Baby doesn't want just anything, she wants everything

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2008-12-18T23:11:00.001-08:00

Great Depression 2: Electric Boogaloo

2008-09-16T22:26:00.000-07:00

Fear not, America! Although the recent financial crises we have been facing may have whittled your 401k down to a few nickels, a decoder ring and some lint and have forced some of us to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for every meal of the day (not naming any names, but I am basically keeping the Skippy guys outfitted in moderately-priced poly blend suits and platinum-esque cufflinks), there are a few totally awesome 1930's depression-era trends that I am pretty stoked about revisiting:

1. Uplifting Musical Comedies

Let's face it, modern day musicals suck. Rent? That shit was terrible. No one wants to hear songs about AIDS and on-the-fence lesbianism. Musicals from the Great Depression gave us subject matter that we can ALL relate to: desperately scavaging for spare change in the street.

2. Hobo Soup

I'm not really sure what constitutes as a "Jungle Recipe", but if this is what hobos eat, then I'm pretty damn excited about becoming a hobo. Plus, for those of you unsure of how to build and/or start a tire fire, smoke flavor is already added!

3. Hilarious Barrel-related outfits

Nothing guilts people into giving you money more than wearing a giant foam novelty costume. Trust me, I've been there.

Once Again, Russia Proves Its Kind-Of-Vague Insult Clout A Million Times Over

2008-09-16T20:45:00.000-07:00

The next time someone pisses me off, I am totally calling them a worthless bag of hair.

"This Hoop Skirt Makes My Balls Sweaty!"

2008-09-05T13:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, oh god yes:

Further Confirmation that Mid-Range Hooker is the Way To Go

2008-08-19T21:40:00.000-07:00

No, seriously, check it out. And it's tax-free, bitches! Plus, I'm already pretty low brow so I don't really need to worry about tarnishing my reputation.

p.s. I love how they are referred to as "Hipster Hookers". What does that even mean? Do they like, quote Hold Steady lyrics while they are doing it or something?

Aaaaaaaand I'm Still Unemployed.

2008-08-18T21:28:00.000-07:00

Dan: good luck

yeah, it sounds like it's awful rough out there

me: yeah its not so great

oh well

i can't do much about it except build my hopes up terribly high so i can have them dashed!

Dan: awww

me: i guess i am just going to have to become really really good at making lattes

or bagging groceries

or panhandling

those seem to be my options right now

Dan: turning triiiiicks

me: dude i totally did not even think about that

and i could at least be like, a mid range hooker

you know, the ones not on meth........YET

Dan: exactly!

Why Isn't There An Olive Garden in the Chicago City Limits?

2008-07-21T12:12:00.000-07:00

No, seriously dudes this is important. I'm going to contact OG customer service immediately. Why should suburbanites be the only ones to enjoy unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks? I'm calling bullshit on you, Olive Garden. I'm going to bring the pain, semi-belligerent email style.

ZOMFGBBQ

2008-06-30T10:29:00.000-07:00

Hey, did you know that eating delicious, delicious BBQ will kill you?

More disturbing than the prospect of grilled meats causing my untimely death is the fact that anyone would even THINK to cook their burgers well done. If you're gonna do something that thoughtless and irresponsible with something as integral to having a totally sick time at a summertime bash as the hamburger you might as well just buy a one-way ticket on the asshole express back to Lame-town right now.

Which brings me to the point of today's post*: The seven deadly BBQ sins:

1. See above rant. The only way to eat a burger is rare, mostly because it's totally metal to be eating something that leaves a little pool of blood on your plate when you're done.

2. Putting ketchup on a hot dog. The only thing more lowbrow is adding ground beef, cheese and salsa to a bag of Fritos and calling it a "Walking Taco".

3. Not boiling your brats in beer before you grill them. Throwing those things on the coal without soaking them in booze first is a fucking amateur move and will NOT impress the ladies.

4. Bringing deviled eggs to the party, unless of course you want the evening to end with a bunch of drunk people pelting your car with deviled eggs.

5. Wearing Madras shorts. Come on guys, you know better.

6. Insisting that Jimmy Buffet's "Cheeseburger in Paradise" is "totally a jam" and should "be the theme song for the 'cue". Also, using the word " 'cue".

7. Wearing an apron that says "Heil to the Chef". Awkward! (Stole this from Sean D. Usually I don't admit to my blatant plagiarism, but he's a pretty stand-up dude so I figured I should probably give credit where credit is due.)

* I know, it's a bit of a change of pace for anything that I write to have structure, substance, or hell, even correct grammar! I just blew your minds, didn't I? Anyways kids, stay out of BBQ purgatory this year, k?

love,

me

Right Now.....

2008-06-09T12:57:00.001-07:00

............all I want to do is drive around in a convertible and blast this song

Getting Schooled By The Falcon Inn

2008-06-07T05:52:00.000-07:00

If you play this song really loudly on the jukebox while shaking it, you are 100% guaranteed to get hit on by lesbians the rest of the night:

Also: dressing up a pitcher of beer with a pair of sunglasses is HI-larious.

ALSO I wish I could go back in time and tell my drunk self to not smoke that last cigarette because although I now have a totally sexy raspy Duffy-esque voice thing going on, I am also feeling as if I might boot at any second. These are the perils of trying to look way cooler than you really are, folks.

Oh Hai.

2008-06-06T09:39:00.000-07:00

Long time no see.

HAHAHA Remember That One Time I Updated My Blog?

2008-04-09T18:02:00.001-07:00

Yeah, me neither. But really folks I have some pretty exciting stuff coming at you fast and furious in the next couple of days so get ready to get crunk (metaphorically) on my mad blog pimp juice (also metaphorical).

My goal is to become one of those "blogs of note" that you always see on the side of the Blogger dashboard, and honestly I don't think it's going to be that hard. Have you seen some of the competition? A blog about gardening? Poem of the week? Laaaaaaaaaaame. Seriously, this shit is going to be easier than getting Dov Charney to show you his wiener.

A few ideas for entries that might catch Blogger's attention:

1. Smell-o-Blog. We're spinning our wheels in logistics at the moment but we're shooting for July 2010.

2. Video footage of baby animals. Who doesn't like baby animals? Skinheads and people with bad allergies, that's who.

3. Article about my various experiences with hallucinogenics. Hey, it worked for Vice Magazine, it can work for me.

4. Pictures of celebrities where I photoshop pictures of penises next to their mouths! Wait, what? Someone has already thought of that? Huh, weird.

In conclusion, please read my blog, because my Google analytics stats are really depressing.

luvs!

me.

Hot Jammzz

2008-02-24T22:12:00.000-08:00

A couple of tracks I've been playing on repeat:

Lil' Mama is kind of awesome. She's a judge on "America's Next Best Dance Crew" and is always wearing a saucy baseball cap with something hood spray painted on it and stealing the microphone from JC Chasez and saying stuff like "that was pretty tight, but you really need to bring it to the streets" and "I'm from Brooklyn and that shit is weak" and etc. The moves in this vid are sick and it's basically a given that I would love a T-Pain collabo, so no surprise that i'm all up on this shit.

and also, because i'm a sucker for hand claps:

Yeah Yeah, So I'm Four Days Late

2008-02-18T22:20:00.000-08:00

So now that I've shown my undying appreciation for you, the readers, for fucks sake leave some comments or something. Jesus.

Duffy: Like Amy Winehouse, Minus the Crack and the Crazy

2008-02-05T18:29:00.001-08:00

Hey, I'm not suggesting that we should like, throw Amy out like those eight month old tortillas you got waaaay in the back of your fridge or anything, but Duffy has got some pipes and is far less heroin-y. Enjoy!

Fucking Winter

2008-01-25T00:32:00.000-08:00

Oh and hey did you know that it's -4 degrees F in Chicago right now and that's not even including the windchill?

all I know is that in 33 days I will be here and will not have to worry about slush or windburn or the fact THAT NOBODY KNOWS HOW TO FUCKING WINTERPROOF THEIR SHIT (I'm looking right at you, University of Chicago). All I will have to worry about is how much to tip the ab-alicious waiter Juan when he brings me my billionth Calimocho*. If you're good, maybe i'll bring you back a sombrero, bitches.

that is all

lv,

me.

*Calimocho=delicious drink made from 1/2 coca cola and 1/2 red wine. Sounds gross but pretty addictive once you start drinking it.

I Know Who Killed Me: An Annotated Review

2008-01-13T19:57:00.000-08:00

**SPOILER ALERT******SPOILER ALERT*******SPOILER ALERT****SPOILER ALERT**

1. Lindsay, I love all the sexy stripper underthings Dakota wears in the movie. Agent Provacateur? I thought so. That shit is hot as hell and I'm buying my own matching collection immediately*

2. I like how Lindsay decided to take another identical-twin-separated-at-birth role, though I did halfway expect her to bust out with a shitty acoustic guitar singing "Let's Get Together" in a british accent througout the entire thing.

3. Dude, Darnell from "My Name Is Earl" plays a prosthetic expert!

4. Too much blood, I couldn't really finish my ice cream due to the gross out factor. I say, less blood, more LaLohan's GIANT titties**. Sex sells, boys. Sex sells.

*Fuck, I wish I had the kind of cash to drop two hundy on a bra and panty set.

**I hope my subtle sarcasm was not lost on you guys. In actuality, they show LL's breasts like every 30 seconds.

Worst. Snack. Ever.

2008-01-05T13:20:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure that raw marshmallows are only appropriate to eat if you are a stoner. Also, if you're gonna go down that road to being the kind of awful human being that eats marshmallows by themselves, you might as well just eat an entire bag. The cute "snack pack" packaging and bright colors aren't going to fool anyone, buddy.

OMG GUYS

2007-12-05T10:59:00.000-08:00

the cutest thing.

Am I That Person That Blogs About Project Runway?

2007-11-15T00:54:00.000-08:00

Seriously though, I want the dude with the flock of seagulls haircut to win, only because when asked why he didn't sleep on a bed replied with "I'd rather buy clothes than buy a bed". I'd rather buy clothes than groceries or a nice bed, which is probably why I don't sleep very well and eat Cheerios for dinner every night.

All I Want for Christmas is a Wafel Truck

2007-11-07T13:44:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure I've complained about the lack of street vendors in this city before, but I figure you all need a refresher in bitching and moaning, because isn't that what the the impending holiday season is all about?

I mean, come ONNNNN Chicago. All I'm asking for is the occasional kebab-mobile or hot dog cart. It is my basic human right to be able find a sketchy dude on the street corner selling questionable food items ANYWHERE I WANT (it's totally one of the amendments, trust me on this one guys).

I was especially pissed when I found out about something called the "Wafel and Dinge Truck", which was like, apparently a gift to New York from Belgium or some other weirdo country? And they serve delicious, delicious waffles? With Nutella? From a truck?

Jesus Christ almighty we need one of these in Chicago. I will do anything and everything to get one of these things to the city by Christmas. I've already emailed the Chief Wafel Master (seriously, that's the guy's title) and implored him to bring the Wafel Truck west-ward, and I encourage you to do the same. Send your emails to info@wafelsanddinges.com

*upper left: You know you want to buy whatever this dude is selling.

Update: Tom, the Chief Wafel Master, wrote back and told me that he couldn't have a wafel truck here because the Nutella would freeze all the time. Personally, I don't buy it for a second. I'm going to keep fighting this battle, folks, I'll keep you updated. Also, I'm pretty sure Tom thinks I'm like eight years old and slightly attention deficit disordered, which can only work to my advantage, right?

Why Can't We Start out Old and Just Get Younger?

2007-10-18T10:28:00.000-07:00

Though there are a few celebrities in this day and age who I wouldn't kick out of bed (helloooo, Ryan Reynolds. Damn, I love me some Ryan Reynolds), most of my famous guy crushes are on celebrities who would now be considered kinda old or really fat or dead. Here's a list of my top 5:

1. Paul Newman in "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" (1969): Butch Cassidy embodies the trifecta of hotness: He shoots, he rides, he drinks whiskey. Enough said.

2. Harrison Ford in "Star Wars" (1977): OMG OMG Han Solo is so hot.

3. Val Kilmer in "Real Genius" (1985): So we all know that Val Kilmer is like a total blimp now but I would totally bang his younger, smart mouthed, 80's vested, laser-making counterpart. Sidenote: where the hell can I buy the soundtrack to that movie?

4. Marlon Brando in "Guys and Dolls" (1955): Usually movies that are musicals kind of annoy me but I'm willing to overlook it in this case because I'm a sucker for a handsome guy in a well-tailored suit. Plus, who could say no to a guy who is willing to fly you to Cuba and get you drunk off of some weird cocktail called a "dulce de leche"? By the way, don't try to order a dulce de leche in a Cuban restaurant, they'll just look at you funny. Trust me on this one.

5. John Cusack in "Say Anything" (1989): John Cusack, what happened to you? You used to be all cute and vulnerable, now you're just.......wrinkly.

Ugh, PostSecret is so frickin' annoying.

2007-10-08T07:48:00.000-07:00

Right now I am sick-ish and in a bad mood because the university doesn't consider Columbus Day a holiday, so here I am sitting like a chump at my desk chugging down tea like its my job and being generally annoyed by most things.

Though the list of dumb shit that is bugging me this morning is a mile long, what has pissed me off the most is PostSecret. I'm sure you all know the concept behind this site, but I view it as a big bulletin board for whiny people. You know that one emo girl from high school? The one who was always giving herself tattoos with her purple bic and carried around a book of E.E. Cummings poems? Multiply that by one hundred billion and you have PostSecret. I mean, should we really be encouraging these people and their self indulgent behavior? Let's stop the making-a-sad-collage-out-of-magazine-clippings insanity and get these folks some Wellbutrin already. Jesus.

Note: I was going to put a picture of an emo girl up here, but after scanning the first two pages of images from the google search for "emo girl" I just got really irate and gave up.

Yet Another Obsessive Post about Lil' Wayne

2007-10-04T09:25:00.000-07:00

If you know me, you know that I have this thing for Lil' Wayne. Maybe it's the grill and the chains, or the tattoos on his eyelids, or the fact that he is totally batshit insane (listen to his mixtapes if you don't believe me). It's probably a combination of all of those things coupled with the fact that he is an amazingly talented rapper.

Recently I read a post on Idolator or Fader or one of those other annoying music websites that stated that Lil' Wayne is the premiere nerdy hipster hip-hop obsession, which kind of rubbed me the wrong way. I'd hate you all to think that I'm some bandwagon fan, when in reality I've been bumpin' Weezy since my sophomore year of college; Shine was pretty much my go-to party track in '02, and I'm still rocking it in '07. That's why I go to Vibe magazine for my fix (that way after I read an article I won't have to feel like I need to take a shower to wash off the pretentious hipster stank, you know?). And I know you're thinking "holy crap, 77 tracks in ten months?", but that's just how Lil' Wayne do. A few of my favorites from the list include:

Love the vocal sampling.

this one brings out Akon and T.I. as its heavy hitters and is quickly moving to the top of my favorite songs of 2007. Also, Weezy raps in a church! Neat.

Incredibly infectious beat, yeah?

anyways, just wanted to share my love of Lil' Wayne with you all. You know, in the non-ironic scenester sense. Enjoy!

Some Things

2007-10-01T20:35:00.000-07:00

At first I thought this post was going to be entitled "My New Years Resolutions, Three Months Early". Because, you know, New Years day is no time for resolutions. It's a time to be hungover and eat discounted Christmas chocolate and maybe watch a "Freaks and Geeks" marathon, so you sure as hell better get your resolutions figured the fuck out before then. Then I realized it wasn't so much resolutions as a list of stuff I might like to get done sometime. That eventually digressed into an indistinguishable disorganized mess of stuff I'm just really excited to tell people about, which I am henceforth passing on to you.

1. Hey! I'm going to start a podcast. Apparently all you need is a microphone, garage band, and a desire to be kind of an asshole on the internet. Already got the last two covered, the mic is in the mail. It'll probably be very similar to this blog, a lot of the music I like interlaced with my rapier wit. Also, probably some wacky sound effects. I'm going to call it "StarKast". Catchy, non?

2. As I was walking home from the gym I noticed a Colt 45 advertisement on the side of a building. I guess drinking malt liquor has become de rigueur among the hipster set, but it still threw me off to see it on the side of some fancy Wicker Park condo. Anywho, I was trying to find an image of the ad I saw because it included the classic Colt 45 tagline "It Works Every Time!"*. Well kids, I did one better. Billy Dee presents Colt 45. Thank you, internet.

3. Hey, look! They remixed my favorite Robyn song. Hope y'all like europop, cause it's comin' at you in full force.

4. Who wants to go hiking? I promise I won't try to eat you in the woods** if we get lost for a really long time because I'll be sure to pack a whole bunch of those gross peanut butter and cheese cracker things. C'mon, it'll be funnnnnn!

*It works every time? What does that mean? It works every time you want to date rape someone? I expected better from you, Billy Dee.
**This statement is revoked if your head starts looking like a giant roast turkey ala that one Bugs Bunny cartoon. You know the one I'm talking about.

2007-10-01T13:20:00.000-07:00

It's true, I kind of have a soft spot for old school Country-Western. I know it's an acquired taste, but listen to this live Emmylou Harris cut and you'll understand why I love it so much.

So, to recap: Emmylou Harris=awesome. That is all.

I ADMIT IT I LOVE THE DONNAS.

2007-09-19T13:46:00.000-07:00

Uhhh, in this video they push a dude down the stairs. One word: Bitchin'.

Business in the Front, Party in the Back, Fugly All Around.

2007-09-18T06:37:00.000-07:00

Man do you ever see someone with a she-mullet and wonder what the hell was going through their minds at the hairdresser?

"Yes, I'd....hmmm.....let's see.....could you, uh......make me look like Billy Ray Cyrus circa 1991? Great."

I would have posted visual aides for you guys, but I forgot my phone at home and was therefore unable to sneakily take any pictures of the offending bus patron.*

*Okay, you got me-I have no idea how I'd get a picture off my phone and on to here. Hell, I don't even know how to really take a picture with my phone. But if I did, you'd better believe I'd have some pretty awesome mullet shots all up ons this shit.

Ew.

2007-09-13T08:32:00.000-07:00

Ok God, I know you're all pissy at me and stuff, what with all the tattoos and pre-marital sex and not going to services on high holidays, but seriously could you stop it with the enormous gross centipedes that have invaded my apartment? I spent all last night in fear of one of those things crawling up my pant leg, a rolled up magazine in hand in case I needed to do some impromptu squishing.

I've seen "The 10 Commandments". I know how you roll. You're all about punishing with giant insects. I'm not really that bad a person, though, so if you could please abstain from sending any more plagues down unto me, I'd really appreciate it.

love,
Me.

*upper left: C'mon, God, this is totally uncalled for.

Bwahahahahaha

2007-09-12T09:52:00.000-07:00

Hah. Men.

p.s. BAM!

Bah.

2007-09-07T10:52:00.001-07:00

Ok so I know I was all "wah wah I'm not posting on this blog because it's always too sad". Well, fuck that. The whole point of the internet is that it's super-easy to totally become a completely different person than you are in real life (I mean, we've all seen Datelines "To Catch a Predator", Right? Enough said). Basically I'm letting you guys in on all of the non-sad things I come across on a daily basis. You know, forcing my sometimes obscure and twisted and inaccessible music tastes and sense of humor on other people. It's what I do best, really. If you want to see the melancholy me you can come to my apartment on a Wednesday night after I've watched that scene in "Say Anything" where Diane comes to see Lloyd at kickboxing practice and he gets all distracted and accidentally gets punched in the face and then they tearfully profess their love for one another; I'll be the one in sweatpants, clutching a 2-liter of Diet Coke.*

With that said, today I found this totally awesome podcast which is pretty much an hour of rare Afghan Whigs/Twilight Singers tracks, hosted by Scott Ford, the Bassist for the TS. The rest of the site is sprinkled with neat-o mp3s and interviews and podcasts and etc. Some might say I'm a little obsessed with Greg Dulli, but he is my green eggs and ham rockstar crush. I would screw him in a plane, I would screw him on a train-you get the idea.**

*I swear to god I'm not really that pathetic, it was just super rainy outside and I was too tired from working out to do anything but lay on my couch. Plus, when the call of John Cusack beckons you, you cannot say no.
**Greg, if you're reading this, the offer is always on the table. I'm young and cute, ideal groupie material.

Oh, One More Thing Before I Go

2007-09-04T07:28:00.000-07:00

A fantastic Twilight Singers track, a live version of "The Killer" plus a cover of TV on the Radio's "Wolf Like Me".

If I Leave Without You, Would It Work Out Somehow?

2007-09-04T07:16:00.000-07:00

I've noticed lately that most of posts on this thing have a tendency to either be depressing or angry. Since I don't want to subject my readers (all three of you) to that kind of bullshit, I'm not going to post anything until I can figure out how to make this blog less of a downer.

Keep checking back, though. I'm sure I'll fix things eventually.

-S.

Newsflash: Guyliner; Labrea Peircings Not Hot.

2007-08-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I don't think you could find a better reason for selective sterilization among the human population than this guy.

Mystery's entire strategy is based on the book "The Game", and as dumb and offensive as it is, I'm kind of happy it was written because it drives all the sleazy losers to hit on all the retarded girls, leaving all the well adjusted, confident guys to those of us who are clever enough to see through that kind of shit.

The thing that gets me the most though is Mystery's faux-tattoo sleeve shirt. I mean, ew. Just, ew. What a pussy*. Hey guys, you want to know how to get a girl to kiss you? Get real sleeves, because tattoos are fucking hot as hell.

*I am totally allowed to say this because I recently spent 2 hours under the needle and am pretty much ready to get inked again. Inability to handle pain is such an unbecoming characteristic in a man, don't you think?

End of the Summer and Other Things, Too.

2007-08-28T21:55:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the last movie in the park of the season. Kind of sad in a way, as it's pretty much a marker for the end of summer and all things enjoyable like tank tops and rolled cuffs and picnics and wine mixed with coke (Laura says they drink it all the time in Mexico).

The movie was "The Sound of Music", which, despite the fact I find it kind of boring towards the end and which also contains lots of weird Catholic undertones, I was still embarrassingly excited to sing along to. The lawn was speckled with leiderhosen-clad herdsmen (not real) and Nuns (totally real). For about three hours I forgot about the shit-storm swirling around me and really focused on remembering the words to "Something Good". Also, it was realllly funny to hear everyone boo and hiss when the Nazi-dudes came on screen.

The ride home on the bus was strange-the #56 Milwaukee goes through some pretty dark, deserted areas and it's weird to have a bus full of people tool along the empty streets like a ghost train or light beam or something. Funny how you can feel alone even when you're squished in between an old lady and a really fat dude and dozens of other people. I try not to let it show too much, even though I'm just surrounded by strangers.

Say What?

2007-08-27T12:43:00.000-07:00

Jesus fucking Christ, this girl is stupid:

What's more painful? Watching this video or getting your leg slowly sawed off? Only you, the viewer, can decide.

2007-08-17T13:43:00.000-07:00

Daaaaaaamn

2007-08-16T07:02:00.001-07:00

Robyn Close Second to Lingonberry Pancakes on List of Things We Can Thank Sweden For

2007-08-15T12:08:00.000-07:00

I guess Robyn has been popular in Sweden for years, but we Americans have been so focused on Ikea this whole damn time that we couldn't see the forest for the trees. "With Every Heartbeat" is just like that DHT cover of Roxette's "Listen to Your Heart", minus all the terrible parts. Plus the cover art for the single is hot. Watch the super-cool stop-motion animation video below

Ever have one of those days....

2007-08-14T12:51:00.000-07:00

.......where you just want to crawl back into bed under your DHS security alert blanket?

Welcome to my world. I think today is somewhere between "Elevated" and "High".

Great Song......

2007-08-09T07:30:00.000-07:00

......Horrible turtleneck. One should never wear a turtleneck in a music video.

2007-08-07T13:37:00.000-07:00

I needed to kill time while waiting on friends to go to the Brauhaus* in Lincoln Square. Since Delicatessen Meyer has (sadly) been shut down-where will I go to listen to little old ladies complain in German that the ham is cut too thin now?-I decided to wander through the nearest Walgreens, one of my favorite pastimes. I especially like to take mental notes on differences between Walgreens in different neighborhoods of Chicago. For example, the one in Chinatown has a vast display of Pocky and Dried Squid as well as a pretty extensive dried herb and tea display, while the one in Boystown by my old apartment has the biggest selection of lube and condoms I have ever seen (located conveniently next to the ice cream freezer).

The Walgreens in Lincoln Square, however, is quite possibly the best Walgreens ever and here's why: They have ALL the ingredients to make chilaquiles. ALL. Black beans, salsa, El Ranchero chips, Chihuahua cheese, even queso fresco if your heart desires it. Have you ever been in a situation where you really want chilaquiles but you find yourself in need of a key ingredient with nary a full service grocery store near? I have, and let me tell you, it is one of the saddest things you will ever go through.

also they have this weird drinkable yogurt called Lala which if you ask me is a terrible name for a terrible product. Oh, and Maria cookies which are so indescribably delicious I recommend trying them for yourself.

*If you go to the Brauhaus they really really try to get you to buy a giant soft pretzel. It's totally unrelenting. Jon says it's because they imported them all the way from Bavaria and they need to sell them before they all go bad. I just think the waitress likes to scare the customers by yelling "YOU WANT PRETZEL???" as loudly as possible.

Whooooaaaaa!!!

2007-08-01T11:44:00.001-07:00

Whoooaaaa!!!

That is all.

Just Trust Me, People.

2007-07-31T08:02:00.000-07:00

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking "But I do not like Ja Rule. He is like the Kia Sephia of the rap world; basically my last choice and possibly hazardous to my health."

Ja Rule feat. Lil'Wayne - Uh Oh
Uploaded by kevinb1984

Maybe it's the mad crush that I have on Weezy (seriously, those abs are sick), but I like this song, I really do, despite the fact that it's three solid minutes of Ja Rule action. So, don't get embarrassed that you like a Ja Rule song. It's ok. Just don't go and start to listening to "Down Ass Bitch" on repeat and you should be just fine.

As if I really needed help drawing more attention to my chest.....

2007-07-30T21:06:00.000-07:00

If I had $76 to spend on a t-shirt, this would definitely be the one.

Can't Hide It, Can't Deny It

2007-07-30T13:42:00.000-07:00

I love the Bret Michaels "Rock of Love" reality show and everything it represents.

BAM.

don't be afraid to use those nails, Rodeo.

2007-07-25T13:18:00.000-07:00

What with Lohan-gate permeating every corner of the internets, I feel the need to lighten things up a bit. Distract us all from the PTSD we're suffering every time we look at that sexy, sexy mugshot (by the way, I am totally pissed at that mugshot. Just once I wish we could get Lindsay to look like Nick Nolte in those things, but no, she always just looks kind of coked out and disoriented In a hot hi-I'm-at-a-Dolce-and-Gabana-photo-shoot kind of sense).

I don't know about you, but nothing makes me happier than Hello Kitty emblazoned paraphernalia. This, folks, is bigger than the Hello Kitty wafflemaker. Bigger than the Hello Kitty electric guitar. I present to you:

the Hello Kitty laptop

It's pink, it's shiny, it's covered in rhinestones.

Now, don't you feel better? I thought so.

p.s. I love you Lindsay Lohan, no matter what.

upper left: what she would look like if I had any say in things.

Remix Madness!

2007-07-11T12:23:00.000-07:00

Just one of the great tracks from Ratatat.

click here for more sick remixes of Jay-Z and Notorious B.I.G., among others.

also check out their original "Wildcat", which samples an actual cat growl*! Hot!

*Lately I've been having this weird fixation with tigers. Don't ask.

Hey ok so that's not a picture of Ratatat, It's a picture of Ratt, that gross hair band from the 80's, but they're right next to each other in the CD bin so you can understand the confusion.

La-Lohan La-Love

2007-07-05T10:32:00.000-07:00

yes yes yes.

I like "Erotic Sex", too.

2007-06-28T12:58:00.000-07:00

Since it was too cold out today to do my usual hobo-nap-on-a-park-bench-during-lunch-hour trick (very difficult to pull off, almost David Blaine level. You have to position the newspaper over your face just right or you look totally unbelievable. I like to add an empty 40 of KC for added effect.), I decided to do that kind of annoying thing where I pick up magazines at the bookstore and get the pages all dog eared and steal the perfume samples, etc.

I couldn't help but pick up this month's Cosmo, partly because the dress that Jessica Biel wears on the cover is amazing and I wanted to know just how much more it was than I could ever afford, but mostly because of the emblazoned headline "Secrets of Male Arousal!" . Of course I jumped at the chance to learn the secrets of how to please my man-what red-blooded American gal wouldn't? The article stated such helpful hints as:

-Walk around in your panties and bra in front of him!
-Give him a seductive look at the bar!
-Let him do you doggie style!

Now, while I applaud(?) Cosmo's efforts of letting us in on all the kinky sex secrets we'd need to know circa 1947, I'm pretty sure women nowadays know that guys like hittin' it from the back.

I spent a good 45 minutes wondering to myself how the people behind this thing even let an article as retarded as this one pass through quality control. I mean, we all know the old addage "sex sells", "women will read anything if it they think it will help them get a man" blah blah blah, but come on, have some journalistic integrity here. Does Cosmo really think its readers are that stupid?

Well, apparently the editor does.

Oh Kate White, you relish in the fact that your reader base snaps up copies of your sad piece of shit excuse for a women's interest rag solely because of the idiotic and asinine headliners. You certainly are smarter than the average fashion mag worker! Too bad that ain't sayin' too much.

Hilary Duff Should Stick to Shitty Disney Channel Shows, Looking Like a Horse

2007-06-25T08:43:00.000-07:00

It makes me really angry when an artist covers a song and makes it completely unlistenable, (Read: Hilary Duff's version of the Go-Go's "Our Lips are Sealed". I'm not really sure why they ever thought this was a good idea.) which is why i'm so happy about this.

If you know me, you know i'm a little bit crazy about Lily Allen, and I think I might like this rendition better than the original Kaiser Chiefs version. Blasphemy? Perhaps, but Lily Allen is totally irresistable and I am helpless against her charms. Plus, with this video I get my Lily fix and eye candy (mmmm, Mark Ronson) all at the same time, so it's a win-win.

p.s. if you're ever really bored at work coversproject.com is a really good time-waster. Not that I would ever need to kill time at work or anything. But you know, for your own reference and stuff.

You Could Be an Air Hostess in the 60's

2007-06-21T09:29:00.000-07:00

THIS IS A SERIOUS QUESTION GUYS REALLY

2007-06-20T07:24:00.000-07:00

Does anyone in this city have a non-ironic moustache?

I Want To Sleep With Common People Like You

2007-06-20T07:19:00.000-07:00

Like you really needed another reason to hate rich kids from Yale.

click.

I Really Have Too Much Free Time On My Hands

2007-06-06T12:41:00.000-07:00

It's not that I don't like "Take Me Home Tonight". Put it on the stereo and will sing along as loudly and drunkenly as possible. It's just that there are so many things wrong with this video, I almost don't know where to start. Oh wait, yeah I do:

1. Eddie Money, what in the hell are you wearing? I realize that during the 80's there was a rash of really terrible windbreaker incidents, but as a rock'n'roller, you should have known better than to succumb to the puffy sleeved devil.

2. Why are you fake-playing what appears to be a kind of tiny saxaphone? We all know you can't play the saxaphone. Maybe that's why 30 seconds later you decided to turn it on its side and play it like a guitar? Were you all like "Oh shit it is so obvious I have no idea what I am doing. Better try to cover my tracks with a rousing bout of air guitar. They'll never guess that I was trying to look legit." Eddie Money, you are a genius.

3. You know, when I first saw that female sillouhette in the beginning of the video I got all excited to see a blonde 80's hot chick. She's all walking seductively down the hallway and you get all excited that maybe you'll see a Kelly Bundy-esque groupie and then all of the sudden you're assaulted with the 50 year old Ronnie Spector. Let me tell you, time has not been kind to Ronnie so if you have an aversion to seeing the decidedly weird image of a wrinkly face attached to a kind of hot body you might want to skip the last minute or so.

Fun fact: Eddie Money used to be a member of the NYPD. Well, he sure has arrested this girl's heart. Zing!

2007-05-31T12:52:00.000-07:00

Did you know that there is an entire websited devoted to celebrating the taco lifestyle in Los Angeles?

Well, now you do.

p.s. I have no idea what constitutes an L.A. taco lifestyle, but i'm assuming it involves a shit-ton of weed.

Gratuitous Banjo For Your Listening Pleasure

2007-05-24T07:08:00.000-07:00

Alright, it's only 9:30 A.M. but I'm already calling youtube video of the day:

This is probably the best song about motorcycles ever written. Plus, the video combines my love of fast bikes with my love for perfectly coiffed hair. I mean, look at Del! He must be, what, a billion years old in this video, yet his hair is impeccably styled. I almost want to write him a letter to ask which pomade brand he uses, because you know you can't get your hair to look like that without product.

p.s. Yes I admit it, I like bluegrass. Commence with the "Deliverance" jokes already.

p.p.s. Really though, these dudes are super-talented musicians and they know how to rock out so it's okay to enjoy it. I promise I won't tell any of your friends.

Olde Tyme Games Take Children Back to Simpler, Lamer Times

2007-05-21T13:08:00.000-07:00

You know, I used to actually enjoy reading the "Fashion and Style" section of the NY Times. Not only was it a way to get my Louis Vuitton/Marc Jacobs/Van Cleef and Arpels advertisement fix, but I could scan through some stupid photo montage of people in the city who were sporting the color mauve that week and not look completely illiterate and uncultured in public*

But what is with the rash of completely idiotic articles lately? Take for example, this little gem.

It's all about how kids are regaining interest in retro games! How quaint. But seriously, the only time I want to read about kids and marbles in the newspaper is if it's an article about how some 8 year old shoved two glassies up his nose and the totally crazy emergency surgical procedure that followed.

The article goes on to talk about the resurgance of games like hopscotch and red rover. Correct me if i'm wrong, but hasn't every game of red rover pretty much ended with at least three broken wrists and a block-wide gang war in which that one asshole kid from the house two doors down fills his super soaker with red kool-aid and totally ruins your favorite Garbage-Pail kids t-shirt? I'm sorry, but that's not the kind of values I would want to teach my children.

But the icing on the cake is how oblivious the parents are to the fact that they are setting their little rugrats up for years, nay decades of mockery and abuse. Take Corey Abate Shen, who taught her twin sons and their friends to "leap through hopscotch courts [and] shimmy in hula hoops". Whoa, whoa whoa. All I can say is, these kids have a one way ticket for the social pariah express, and that thing ain't making any stops on the way. I mean, shimmy-ing? You might as well tell them it's totally cool to wear socks and sandals and eat tomato sandwiches for lunch every day.**

So really what I want to do is to send a word of warning to today's kids: Be careful, because some day soon your parents may subject you to a game of stickball. If this happens, run as fast as you can to the nearest Best Buy and play a round of Fight Night on one of those giant flat screens they have set up there. Thank you.

*Usually when I am in possesion of a NY times in public it is when I am horribly hungover and the raging headache and double vision prevent me from doing anything really but rustling the pages to make it look like i'm actually reading.
**there was a kid in my elementary school who did this all the time, and trust me, he had NO friends.

It's Not Healthy For Me To Feel This Way

2007-05-17T08:22:00.000-07:00

You guys know my m.o. pretty well by now: Become obsessed with a song, listen to it over and over again, post the Youtube video on my blog.

I know this song has been on the radio for what seems like ages, but whatever. I'm old now and listening to 14 year olds give shout-outs on kiss 103.5 just doesn't have the same draw that it used to:

I kind of have this major girl crush on Rhianna. Despite the random incongruities in the video (dancing with an umbrella in a room wearing fishnets, being encapsulated entirely in silver paint*, Jay-Z's horrible, HORRIBLE rapping), I still love it, mostly because she's fucking gorgeous and because I really want that white dress she's wearing.

Even more, I love the way her voice sounds, especially that incredible repeat of "umbrella-ella-ella, eh eh eh". It's clear and booming and exotic and I can't get enough of it. Basically, she's Akon plus breasts but minus that pesky tendency to grind on underage girls.

Listen. It'll probably make you pretty happy.

*this part of the video reminds me of last week when I saw a girl wearing gold lame leggings (presumably purchased at american apparel, the store responsible for outfitting all of wicker park hipsterdom), and looking very self-satisfied that she was covered in ugly shiny fabric from the waist down. I wanted to stage an intervention right then and there in the middle of the street. Just say "no" to lame, kids.

What the Fuck, NY Times?

2007-05-15T11:46:00.000-07:00

Nothing says "dignity" like an up-the-skirt shot.

2007-05-09T06:50:00.000-07:00

Funny thing, how listening to a song can make you feel like your heart is breaking all over again.

2007-04-29T17:11:00.000-07:00

Right now I am laying on the bare floor of my almost-empty apartment.

I have no furniture left. My bed has been packed up, my couch dumped in the back alley. I know, it's illegal, but I'm sure the homeless guy with the hat made out of pink wall insulation that hangs out there will appreciate somewhere to sit. Scavenging is exhausting work, you know.

I feel like I've been cheated. I'm supposed to be excited about moving, right? Maybe I am, way down underneath all this shit thats been piled on top of me. Give me a month to dig my way out and we'll see. Emotion takes up too much of my energy anyways, especially when I've got all this dishware to pack.

Maybe next month i'll post a link to a video of that dancing baby or something.

2007-04-26T18:06:00.000-07:00

I don't even care that this is four weeks old. That's how we roll here at nerdy by nature. One month behind the times.

2007-04-23T13:34:00.000-07:00

You know it's going to be a good day when you wake up at the crack of dawn with a searing pain in your upper back. Now, I know what you're all thinking: Well if you didn't sleep on your couch all the time you probably wouldn't have back pain, dumbass. That's all well and good, but the idea of sleeping in a bed that isn't enclosed in a separate room freaks me out, so I prefer to fall asleep to the sweet, sweet musings of Conan O'Brien, America's dreamiest late night talk show host. Fear not, I will be moving in 7 days to an apartment with a real bedroom. Plus, I don't even have a couch for that place yet so the problem is pretty much solving itself.

Anyways.

I finally got around to buying the soundtrack to "Deathproof" this weekend. Let me tell you, if there is any album to listen to on a hot night with the windows open while you pretend to pack but really just dance around in your undies while you try on clothes you've found in the recesses of your closet, this is it. Its got the perfect mix of sultry (Good Love, Bad Love by Eddie Floyd and The Love You Save by Joe Tex) and seedy (Hold Tight by Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich and Chick Habit by April March*). Plus it has excellent sound clips from the movie, including one of my favorite bits where two dudes try to get these ladies to go home with them by buying two rounds of Jager shots. Ah, Jager. The choice of date rapists everywhere. All in all, totally worth the $16 and the guilt of buying music retail at borders.

*April March is apparently this girl from NYC who made up a french-pop-y alter ego for herself. Though I do not condone singing cutesy french pop unless you are both cute and from france, the cover art for "Chick Habit" (see above) is totally awesome and I will probably steal the idea if I ever put out a single, so I guess that makes us even. For now..........

2007-04-19T06:43:00.000-07:00

This made me smile.

In Which the Human Race Disappoints Me Yet Again

2007-04-09T12:50:00.000-07:00

Three pieces of information I picked up from today's RedEye, a newspaper so bad it almost makes me wish I didn't know how to read so that I wouldn't have to subject myself to this kind of brain rot.

1. The american public would much rather see Ice Cube in "Are We Done Yet?", which is basically a bunch of clips of him fighting off forest creatures in ways that I imagine to be "hip" and "urban" (i.e. throwing an air force one at an opossum) than Grindhouse, which was probably one of the funniest/scariest/sexiest movies i've ever seen. I guess since it's a holiday weekend, people want to go see family-friendly films or some dumb shit like that. Whatevs.

2. According to my horoscope, the incoming moon of venus will increase my sexual appetite for the next 2 weeks. Watch out, boys. Rawr!

3. Hayden Panettiere is totally dating that guy from Laguna Beach and is best friends with Bruce Willis' daughter and they totally have matching belly button rings!

Wow. Knowledge really *is* power!

A Vote For Fashion Rock is a Vote For America

2007-04-04T13:03:00.000-07:00

Obama? Edwards? That ol' battle-axe Hilary Clinton? With all these choices, a girl's brain is likely to short out!

So why waste time taxing that pretty little head of yours thinking about war or social security, or whatever other bullshit "issues" the "man" wants you to care about when you could be thinking about good old fashioned rock and roll?

That's what I thought.

Metromix is holding their annual Rock'n'Vote competion, and you can go and vote for your favorite band right now. But we're going to do this democracy thing Chicago style, which means i'm gonna tell you who to vote for and then you're gonna do it, less you want my boy Vinny over here to take you on a ride. You wouldn't want that now, would you?

Ok, so here's what to do: Click here and vote for Welcome to Cambridge. They're talented, super-dreamy, and look like they've just stepped out of a photo shoot for GQ. It's a no-brainer, folks.

upper left: Definitely NOT a vote for fashion rock. Shoulder pads and mom haircuts are so 1993.

2007-03-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

Oh Amy Sedaris, you are my heroine. If I could write a second grade report on you, I would. Your new book is probably what my book would look like if some publishing company would take a chance on a smalll-town girl with a crazy dream. Except maybe I'd have not so wide a knowledge of Diazepam and other powerful prescription sedatives.

Also, I would not have a pet bunny because they smell.

2007-03-28T19:39:00.000-07:00

He swaggered onto the train car, hair mussed, shorts filthy, his tan geriatric stockings sagging far below the doctor-recommended kneecap. He uncapped the two-thirds finished bottle of club soda, grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniels and added it to the almost empty soda container. He chugged that shit like he was a frat boy during finals week. The doors almost closed on him on his way out.

It's times like these I wish I had a digital camera.

Note: These senior citizens look like they're just having a harmless dinner party, but they're really ready to party on YOUR el train.

Best Cover Band Idea Ever

2007-03-20T17:43:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that The Donnas basically went to this website and stole all their song ideas from the Misfits. The similarities are eerie, folks. I can understand their motivations, though:

1) The Misfits have a way more awesome sense of style than Jem and the Holograms. They have lighting bolts on their Faces, people, AND tiger print dresses. Enough said.

2) The Misfits songs are better. Don't believe me? Just listen to the Jem theme song:

3) The Misfits are totally badass. They would stab you in a barfight and not give a second thought to it.

So there you have it, guys. An excuse for me to post the Jem theme song in my blog. Awesome.

p.s. check out the lyrics to the song "Misfits in Hawaii". Wins the award for best awkward rhyming of "song" and "sarong" since the Beach Boys did that random guest spot on Full House.

For All Of You Out There.......

2007-03-12T06:30:00.000-07:00

.....Who refused to believe that we met members of the NYFD at the Southside St. Patty's Day parade whose engine number was 69, rock-solid proof.

I'm pretty sure that being a fireman from New York gets you just about anything you want, and working on engine 69 just must increase the amount of times you get laid exponentially.

By the way: Though you are american heroes, members of the NYFD, your beer choice was poor. I mean, Bud Light? I had to choke my way through the entire can because throwing it out would have left me racked with guilt.

Some People Have Too Much Time on Their Hands

2007-03-07T06:42:00.000-08:00

Seriously guys, get a day job.

IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE?

2007-03-02T13:35:00.000-08:00

As I was perusing the internets for a new banana-shaped cell phone holder (what? stop looking at me like that.), I came across this marvel of modern science: The DIY Peeps maker.

Do we really need a product that takes us step by step through the Peep making process? I can hardly even bear to eat a Peep, let alone know what goes inside one. Knowing what Peeps are made of would be like seeing your grandma naked. Let's not go there, people. Let's limit the Peep-DIY interactions to seeing how long it takes to blow one up in your microwave*

*although it is not kosher to eat a peep, it is totally kosher to microwave one.

Love!

2007-02-27T14:01:00.001-08:00

That is all.

2007-02-16T08:16:00.000-08:00

What ho? An order of Science Scouts? With merit badges????? I was super excited when I saw this on boingboing, but as I read more and more I realized it was written by a group of elitist science people who think they're smarter than everyone else, which I hate hate hate. Still, the idea of a patch expressing one's love for invertebrates is a pretty awesome concept, and the site gives those who were mercilessly beat up in high school for being good at chemistry* an outlet for all their rage, which is always an interesting read.

p.s. Y'all should check out the band Cat Empire. It's like 90's ska revamped and refreshed for '07.

*Come on, couldn't you have gotten beaten up for something more interesting? Like having a thick Russian accent? Or a peg leg?

It's Official....

2007-02-08T13:34:00.000-08:00

Anna Nicole Smith is dead. Most likely from a drug overdose. What is it about celebrities and drugs and death that's so alluring? Don't lie to me, I know you read all about Pete Doherty in the tabloids, and you love every second of it.

Maybe that's why I can't get enough of Amy Winehouse. Though she's been panned by Pitchfork (Which, by the way, I never take any real music advice from because their job is basically to hate every band out there and then pretend they are cool by praising Justin Timberlake. Posers.), I think she has an incredible singing voice and has put out some pretty infectious tracks, including the recent single "Rehab".

This ain't some bullshit track about sex, drugs and rock and roll, neither. Her record company ACTUALLY TRIED TO PUT HER IN REHAB. Winehouse, of course, adamantly refused to go. She's a total train wreck, and I can't get enough of it. An article published in The Washington Post reveals every single sordid detail about her alcoholism, among other things, and i'm not sure what to make of it. It's undeniably gut wrenching, but when you listen her songs the message is clear: pain, suffering and addiction make for a helluva music career. It almost makes me feel like the only barrier between me and writing good music is the fact that i'm so goddamned goody-two shoes all the time. Almost.

Listen To This Now

2007-02-01T13:05:00.000-08:00

Jesus YouTube, all I want to do is post videos on my blog but you won't let me. You say you're "fetching" my blog information, but you seem to be "fetching" it about as fast as as a two legged dog. Fine, have it your way, i'll keep my blog looking as un-slick as possible.

Whew. On to the important stuff.

My current obsession is with the Lil' Wayne song "Shooter". I heart Wheezy. The guy can spit some serious fire and has a gravelly quality to his voice that that is completely addictive. I can't help but put his shit on repeat. Shooter is a 70's funk-reggae-dutty south hybrid, and you could bump it at a party just as well as you could have a down and dirty makeout session to it. This song has even gotten me over my general annoyance with Robin Thicke. I mean, come on, THE GUY IS MR. SEEVER'S SON. Regardless of the by-association-lameness that Thicke brings to the song, the man lays it down something sick. This track is hot and you all should check it out.

If you're like me and you can't get enough of Lil' Wayne, check out his myspace site. I'm particularly fond of "Stuntin' Like My Daddy", if only because of the image of a chromed-out Yamaha that the chorus evokes.*

*It is common knowledge that motorcycles are totally hot.

Stop With The Bad Blogging Already, People!

2007-01-31T07:18:00.000-08:00

Since when has the blog turned into a frenzy of cryptic, whiny blurbs about stuff no one in their right minds would ever care to read about ? Post an interesting news article, a funny youtube clip, something crazy that happened to you on your commute home. Show me something that i've never seen before or something that makes me so angry I can barely even think. Above all, make it accesible. No one wants to read some pseudo-James Joyce dribble about your failed relationships or about winter in the city or other tired crap like that. Why make a half assed attempt at being deep when you can just be entertaining? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that the point of the internet anyways?*

On that note, check out this noise.

I cant even begin to imagine what sort of "keepsake items to heat up your homespun romance" White Castle would include in the Cupid's Crave Kits. Handcuffs? Scented massage oil? Extra ketchup packets? It's a crapshoot, really, but either way it's probably gonna keep your neighbors up allllll night. Ooohhh yeah.

*This is based on my own (perhaps narcissistic) opinion that my blog is super funny and makes you laugh so hard milk comes out of your nose if you happen to be drinking milk at the same time you are reading it.

2007-01-23T11:22:00.000-08:00

I love Johnny Depp with all my heart. Let's face it, the man can make panties drop before you even realize your jeans have been unzipped. Plus, he can make a grilled cheese sandwich with an iron. Just watch "Benny and Joon" if you don't believe me.

So of course I was saddened to see "Pirates of the Carribean" valentines on the shelf at Walgreen's last night. Seriously, Johnny, I didn't think it was possible for you to whore yourself out more than when you let them put your face on the front of a cereal box. I bet you sleep as sound as a baby on your bed MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF GIANT BAGS OF MONEY. Enjoy it while it lasts, because I dont think eyeliner and a puffy pirate shirt will look hot on 65 year old wrinkly dude. Or will it? Hmmm....

p.s. I totally bought the things because nothing is more hilarious than a picture of Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom side by side with the tagline "You're a great first mate!" Hah. I bet they'd have real purty babies.

Fun Experiment?

2007-01-18T10:11:00.000-08:00

For the past few days i've been totally intrigued with the idea of dying my hair black. Two things, however, have come to my attention:

1. My eyebrows will be a much lighter color than my hair. This will look pretty weird and will probably scare small children and dogs if they get too close. The only way to remedy this would be to bring it old school, shave off my eyebrows and draw them in with a pencil a la a 1940's Hollywood starlet.
Advantage: Vintage glamour
Disadvantage: Freak razor accidents, constant look of surprise on my face
2. The past four months in Chicago have been sun-less, leaving me whiter than Barry Manilow in a sparkly american-flag colored jumpsuit. Seriously, it's gross. I was told that once my hair was black, "We'd have to buy you a little plaid miniskirt and some Doc Martens". I don't think he was kidding, either.
Advantage: I'd get to hang out at the mall in front of Hot Topic all day
Disadvantage: Goth is so 1996, all extra cash goes towards eyeliner-related purchases

Upper Right: Gawd, I hate my step-mom. She is such a bitch.

Sucker-footed Bats. Man, that shit is CRAZY.

2007-01-10T09:23:00.000-08:00

Move over, you wiggly golden retriever puppies, because there's a new cutie in town. That's right, I'm talkin' about Myzopoda schliemanni. Not only is this little guy frickin adorable, but he also has little suction cups on his thumbs and feet. SUCTION CUPS, PEOPLE. This bat is so tough that it's adapted to the harsh living conditions of Madagascar's razed forests by using the stickies to scale the large leaved foliage prevalent in deforested areas. What have puppies adapted to lately? Getting doggie haircuts and eating grass clippings? Bitch, please.

So in conclusion, in a fight between a bat and a puppy, the bat would kick some major ass. It would basically be like a ninja fighting Jared the Subway guy. No contest.

Upper Right: Don't you just want to take it home and put it in a Louis Vuitton carrying case?

Out With the Old, in With the New.

2007-01-02T08:34:00.000-08:00

Will Long Day and New Years came and went like a fleeting summer downpour. A downpour of booze and hand-screened thong underwear.

And let's not forget the most important part: The DJ at the New Years party I went to played the instant classic "Dick in a Box". Twice. In a row.

Basically we have a long painful dry spell ahead of us in which there are no good holidays to celebrate until July 4th rolls around. And don't give me that Valentine's Day bullshit because that is not a real holiday and I plan on celebrating this year exactly like I did last year's: Writing offensive messages on candy hearts and giving them to strangers, and getting drunk off of Campari and sodas. Take THAT Hallmark, you whiny little bitches.

Upper left corner: It really IS a universal gift for every holiday.

Nerdy By Nature, Holiday Edition!

2006-12-23T17:33:00.000-08:00

As I was waiting in line at the Dominick's behind the sketchy dude with the still smoldering half cigarette in one hand and the quart of eggnog in the other, I thought to myself, "Well, If this guy can muster up some Christmas spirit, then certainly you can!". In past years I've been up in arms about the holidays, what with the Terminator 2-like shopping expeditions and baking so many cookies that my pores started exuding butter and red and green sugar sprinkles. Fitting those activities into my schedule this year would have meant abandoning all hope of a full night's sleep and any semblance of sanity.

I couldn't even walk the perimeter of the Macy's window this year without almost bursting into tears. The music was assaultive, the lights hurt my eyes, and the goddamn tourists kept on blocking the sidewalk in huge clumps. Note to tourists: Stop being assholes. I know you are distracted by shiny things and loud noises, but let's avoid standing for long periods of time staring off into space and taking 20 gazillion pictures of the Macy's sign. Anyways, I've felt pretty horrible about my assault on Christmas this year. Special apology to mom: I'm sorry I said that I hated Christmas music last night. Next time I will listen without complaint.

I guess now would be the appropriate time to write a moral to the story about how I should be grateful for family and friends blah blah blah the best gift is peace on earth blah blah, which I sincerely believe, I really do, but the glare from the plastic navitiy scene across the street is hurting my eyes and making it hard to concentrate.

Happy Holidays everyone!

lurve,
~S.

p.s. although I am avidly against putting dogs in costumes, I totally commend the Grinch's efforts on making a reindeer costume for his dog that pretty much set the standard for all doggie christmas costumes to follow. Mad Props, the Grinch.

Just In Case You Were Wondering.......

2006-12-20T12:06:00.000-08:00

These are the reading materials that are available to me while I eat my lunch in the break room

1. Sting: Marathon Man

Why there is a biography of Sting sitting proudly amongst discarded take out menus and stacks of napkins is a mystery to me. How did it get there? Who put it there? Most importantly why isn't it being used as a doorjamb? Will these questions ever be answered? I do not know. But I do know this: Amazon.com gave it an average rating of 2 stars. Rock on!

2. Lamb of Love

I guess this is supposed to be some sort of attempt at making a Wuthering Heights-esque book for those who have attention spans just long enough to complete an entire chapter of "Loins of Desire" by Danielle Steele. The cover jacket is an entertaining read, at least. I'm pretty sure the frumpy and consistently bitchy postdoc from down the hall brought it in to warm her up on cold lonely nights when she's waiting for her western blots to transfer.

3. Issue of Men's Health, ca. 2001

If the appearance of the male population on this floor is any indication of whether or not any of them has been reading men's health, then i'm confident that i'm the only one who's gotten past page one of this thing.

4. Chico's catalog, Winter 2004

Highly advocates the return of stirrup pants, oversized sweaters and ugly jewelry. Culprit is obviously frumpy postdoc. A double offender. If I find a copy of Country Home Design Monthly in there next week, I may have to take the woman down.

You like party? I like party! Super!

2006-12-15T12:57:00.000-08:00

Ok so I know you all are thinking "Gosh darndit, do I hate New Years Eve. All that pressure to go somewhere cool, and to like, take a shower before I go out and stuff. What a hassle!" Well folks, I have the solution. It's Will Long Day, and it's the day before New Years Eve. Yes, you heard me right-no need to worry about any hype or build-up, because December 30th is going to be the rocking-est party you've ever been to, and you have my word on that.

Curious?

for more information go to this site
cheers!

~S.

"Americans Kind of Stupid", States BBC News Article

2006-12-13T08:41:00.000-08:00

Warning: This article will probably make your brain melt out of your ears

But seriously, I can't tell you how saddened I was to read this article. It's the devolution of the intellect of the American people and one of these days we're going to pay for it. If you all want cures to diabetes, cancer, MS, MD, Parkinsons and about a million other life-threatning diseases, you're going to have to start putting some faith in science. I would start ranting about the lack of funding in labs all over the U.S., and how that $27m used to make the atrocity called "The Creation Museum" could be put to real use, but that would be boring for you and time consuming for me.

So, on to the snarkiness.

I am so glad that someone has finally put to rest all the nasty rumors about "The Flinstones". If there's anything I've learned from T.V. it's that humans and dinosaurs lived together in harmony. And people used pterodactyls as airplanes and large prehistoric birds as alarm clocks and bowling was the most popular sport and everyone did a super cool dance called "The Bedrock Twitch". I'm not gonna let any smart-alecky scientist tell me otherwise, so there.

interesting fact: 40% of americans believe the earth was created in seven days. I mean, that's pretty cool. That could be our new slogan! "The United States: Tell us that dogs are actually space aliens sent here to take over the world, and 40% of the population will probably believe you."

I Knew It!

2006-12-04T17:22:00.000-08:00

Scientists at Manchester University have finally come up with a formula to explain the Beer Goggle Effect!

The best part of the article is when the author states that a person given a beer goggle score between 1 and 50 would be considered "less visually offensive" than if you looked at them while completely sober. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't settle for "less visually offensive", even if I was drunk off my ass.

Well, it's about time. All I know is, that I wish they'd have thought this formula up while I was still at school. That way, whenever a creepy guy asked me for my number I could have just said "Sorry, my snellen visual acuity is like, totally low and stuff" and he probably would have just gotten really confused and given up.

cold

2006-12-01T10:35:00.000-08:00

I'm already getting sick of this whole "winter" thing, and we're pretty much only one day into it. BUT if I abstain from buying my morning coffee for 1,550 days and save up the cash, I can take a trip here

Only 4.2 years of saving up. I totally have the patience for that, right?

the CTA can suck it

2006-12-01T09:26:00.000-08:00

Seriously, dont make an announcement that there is a "mechanical problem", when in actuality "problem" means "fucking fire in the subway". If you had just been honest with me, CTA, I wouldn't have sat on that red line train for 15 minutes before giving up and leaving. Also, maybe you guys could hire some non-sadistic bus drivers that would consider waiting until people cross the street before driving off like a bat out of hell. We all need our excercise, but running for the bus isn't exactly my ideal workout.

I am wandering around the lab in just socks, which probably violates a million safety codes, but whatever, I'm the manager of this place and i'll do whatever I want. So there.

2006-11-27T08:30:00.000-08:00

I'm actually kind of disappointed in the lack of crazy escapades my family had this Thanksgiving. No hilarious burning of the turkey, no crazy grandma forgetting where she put her teeth, not even a jello-mold incident. Dammit, why can't my family just be normal for once?

also, it's going to be 60 degrees here in Chicago for the next couple of days. I would be happy about this, but i'm too busy worrying about the southern panhandle of Florida being completely submerged in the next 2o years. I didnt ever want to go to Disneyland anyways.

All I know about life, I learned from "Quadrophenia"

2006-11-15T11:02:00.000-08:00

Lessons from Saturday night:

(1) 40's of King Cobra go unsurprisingly well with bad cinema
(2) Parents just don't understand (nod to Jazzy Jeff and Will Smith)
(3) The best way to be "different" is to wander around in huge mobs chanting stupid songs, wearing identical ugly green parkas and taking non-descript drugs in the form of blue pills

well, if I wanted to wander around recklessly abusing unknown drugs and wearing bad clothing, I'd just be friends with Lindsay Lohan, thank you very much.

On a related note: Is there any way to yell "Hey, nice scooter!" to someone riding around on a vespa without sounding like a complete asshole? Reader input greatly appreciated.

one degree of separation from bad-assedness

2006-11-07T12:22:00.000-08:00

The other day, my coworker asked me to order some non-radiolabled bungarotoxin (a neurotoxin derived from snake venom). Whatever, another task that basically involves me going through a huge list of supply sites off of google. Little did I know, I was about to get the SHOCK OF MY LIFE.

Yeah, you heard what I said.

Turns out, the source of our snake poison isn't some hoity-toity company like sigma or fisher. No, the source of our supply is a guy named George Van Horn. Dude straight up breeds these posionous snakes and then harvests the stuff himself. And he pretty much is the sole supplier of it. That is some crazy shit right there. I just imagine this crazy-filthy Robert-Duvall-in-Apocolypse Now-lookin dude in a trailer in St. Cloud Florida, cigarette butt in one hand, snake head in the other. Totally. Fearless.

Also, I hear he runs a kickass tourist attraction, so I guess thats pretty cool, too.

Anyways, thought you'd all like a little confirmation that science is really cool and dangerous. You know you want to jump on the back of science's huge Harley and ride into the sunset. The end.

It's always better the second time around

2006-11-03T06:35:00.000-08:00

It doesn't get any better than being in a crowded hot bar pressed up against someone listening to Greg Dulli (post 4 or 5 very large gin and tonics*) do a cover of Justin Timberlake's "Lovestoned".

I would have liked him to have done an encore both nights, but hey, I'll take what I can get. The dude is so intoxicating that I forgive him for any primadonna antics the audience was subjected to on Wednesday.

The evening ended with sweet potato fries with cinnamon sugar at Swank Frank while we watched drunk yuppie guys yell at the waistaff and eat corndogs. We contemplated asking them the eternal question "If you had breasts, wouldn't you just basically feel yourself up all the time?", but decided we probably knew the answer already. True story.

*I'm not positive that they were G&T's, but they were clear with a lime and it just seems like the kind of classy drink that a badass motherfucker such as Dulli would drink.

Macy's: You are fugly and I hate you.

2006-10-31T06:47:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I went into Macy's to look for a new bag, being as how my old one has a hole the size of Montana in it and has got this weird layer of sticky gritty shit and pennies glued together just lying on the bottom, causing everything from my checkbook to my chapstick to become pretty much untouchable.

anyways.

Macy's, of course, has already begun the barage of Christmas decorations. Now i'm all about spreading the holiday cheer here, but man were those decorations ugly. Like, 1980's mobster house ugly. I think those decorations would feel most at home next to a cream colored leather couch, gold leafed chair and a shiny ceramic panther statue.

To add to insult, they've totally screwed up the handbag section and gotten rid of anything remotely attractive or stylish. Why would you forsake Marc Jacobs so that you could put in a huge display case of Kipling? Not to sound like a fashion snob or anything, but ew.

......also

2006-10-24T11:40:00.000-07:00

.......do I say "fuck" too much on this blog?

Khlav Kalash, and other things.

2006-10-24T10:39:00.000-07:00

I decided that what Chicago needs is more outdoor food vendors. Shit, you walk around in New York and on every corner there's some dude in a cart trying to sell you some falafel. The closest thing we have to that here is the guys off the Austin Eisenhower exit selling stale peanuts, and that's just unacceptable. I need to get the Daley machine on this ASAP. The guy was able to fucking bulldoze an entire airport without anyone knowing about it, so I figure it wouldn't be too hard for him to make it a little easier for a girl to get a quick chili cheese dog in this city.

This city also needs more of me, writing shit on the bathroom walls in all the bars I go to. I need to remember to take a sharpie with me in my purse whenever I go out. I could graffitti stuff like "Stark wuz here" and etc. That would be pretty dope.

O.J. Simpson is a weirdo.

2006-10-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

Why? Why would O.J. Simpson write a book about how he hypothetically killed his ex-wife and her fiance?

Is it just me, or is that a bit macabre? Also, maybe just a bit MUTHAFUCKIN STUPID, too.

It would be like me sending both my grandmas* a story I wrote about that one time I got really drunk at halloween off of screwdrivers and almost got arrested by the cops but instead let some random dude take me to his room and lock me in there with him. Hypothetically.

*grandma(s), I am so, so sorry

Holy Long John Silver! It's a pirate periscope!

2006-10-17T10:57:00.000-07:00

My favorite gems from Batman: The Movie (1966):

Robin: Holy Hallucination
Batman: I wish it were Robin, but it's not, it's 5 dehydrated pirates... rehydrated!

Riddler: We shall spring them from The Joker's Jack-In-The-Box, through that window, out over the sea, and into the waiting arms of The Penguin's Exploding Octopus!

Robin: Gosh Batman, the nobility of the almost-human porpoise.
Batman: True, it was noble of that animal to hurl himself into the path of that final torpedo. He gave his life for ours.

Honorable mentions:

-The Penguin's gratuitous use of the word "De-licious!"
-The refusal of the director to take more than one take of a scene, even when the Riddler knocks into furniture and stuff
-The fact that during the movie all the other villains keep on yelling at the Riddler to stop delivering message in such a cryptic manner, even though, by default, that's what the Riddler does. Why don't you just ask Catwoman to deliver the message? Or maybe one of the many pirates that are manning your submarine. Geez.

Is it weird that watching this movie in its almost entirety made me insanely happy?

2006-10-16T05:54:00.000-07:00

You know what the best thing about late night TV is? The Cosby Show. Oh yes, I love the Cosby Show. Apparently, I love it even more than I love sleep.

I hate you, brain.

(basically I left for work at like 6 a.m., because what the hell, I was awake anyways)

All that said, walking in the darkened silence to the el stop is kind of nice, in a oh-now-I-can-just-think-and-not-listen-to-all-the-city-noises kind of way.

Blizzard in October = Not At All Awesome

2006-10-12T09:05:00.000-07:00

*BLOG POST IN BULLETPOINT FORM BECAUSE I AM LAZY*

-Since I was without a jacket this morning, I had to make do with two hoodies and a puffy vest, which led one of my coworkers to say that it looked like I was "getting ready for a mission on the moon or something". Pff, some people just dont appreciate fashion.

-I really need to stop indulging the stalker in me, because she's beginning to rage out of control and if I'm not careful I might just find myself in a Denny's parking lot off of I-94 with a pair of night-vision goggles. Maybe I should channel my curiosity into something more useful, like finding a cure for cancer.

-there is totally a store opening up four blocks away from me called The Pierogi Factory. This is pretty much the most exciting thing ever. Plus, they're hiring, so if it's been a dream of yours to sling pierogis since childhood, then today is your lucky day.