Thursday, December 18, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Great Depression 2: Electric Boogaloo
Fear not, America! Although the recent financial crises we have been facing may have whittled your 401k down to a few nickels, a decoder ring and some lint and have forced some of us to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for every meal of the day (not naming any names, but I am basically keeping the Skippy guys outfitted in moderately-priced poly blend suits and platinum-esque cufflinks), there are a few totally awesome 1930's depression-era trends that I am pretty stoked about revisiting:
1. Uplifting Musical Comedies
Let's face it, modern day musicals suck. Rent? That shit was terrible. No one wants to hear songs about AIDS and on-the-fence lesbianism. Musicals from the Great Depression gave us subject matter that we can ALL relate to: desperately scavaging for spare change in the street.
2. Hobo Soup
I'm not really sure what constitutes as a "Jungle Recipe", but if this is what hobos eat, then I'm pretty damn excited about becoming a hobo. Plus, for those of you unsure of how to build and/or start a tire fire, smoke flavor is already added!
3. Hilarious Barrel-related outfits
Nothing guilts people into giving you money more than wearing a giant foam novelty costume. Trust me, I've been there.
1. Uplifting Musical Comedies
Let's face it, modern day musicals suck. Rent? That shit was terrible. No one wants to hear songs about AIDS and on-the-fence lesbianism. Musicals from the Great Depression gave us subject matter that we can ALL relate to: desperately scavaging for spare change in the street.
2. Hobo Soup
I'm not really sure what constitutes as a "Jungle Recipe", but if this is what hobos eat, then I'm pretty damn excited about becoming a hobo. Plus, for those of you unsure of how to build and/or start a tire fire, smoke flavor is already added!
3. Hilarious Barrel-related outfits
Nothing guilts people into giving you money more than wearing a giant foam novelty costume. Trust me, I've been there.
Friday, September 05, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Further Confirmation that Mid-Range Hooker is the Way To Go
No, seriously, check it out. And it's tax-free, bitches! Plus, I'm already pretty low brow so I don't really need to worry about tarnishing my reputation.
p.s. I love how they are referred to as "Hipster Hookers". What does that even mean? Do they like, quote Hold Steady lyrics while they are doing it or something?
p.s. I love how they are referred to as "Hipster Hookers". What does that even mean? Do they like, quote Hold Steady lyrics while they are doing it or something?
Monday, August 18, 2008
Aaaaaaaand I'm Still Unemployed.
Dan: good luck
yeah, it sounds like it's awful rough out there
me: yeah its not so great
oh well
i can't do much about it except build my hopes up terribly high so i can have them dashed!
Dan: awww
me: i guess i am just going to have to become really really good at making lattes
or bagging groceries
or panhandling
those seem to be my options right now
Dan: turning triiiiicks
me: dude i totally did not even think about that
and i could at least be like, a mid range hooker
you know, the ones not on meth........YET
Dan: exactly!
Monday, July 21, 2008
Why Isn't There An Olive Garden in the Chicago City Limits?
No, seriously dudes this is important. I'm going to contact OG customer service immediately. Why should suburbanites be the only ones to enjoy unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks? I'm calling bullshit on you, Olive Garden. I'm going to bring the pain, semi-belligerent email style.
Monday, June 30, 2008
ZOMFGBBQ
Hey, did you know that eating delicious, delicious BBQ will kill you?
More disturbing than the prospect of grilled meats causing my untimely death is the fact that anyone would even THINK to cook their burgers well done. If you're gonna do something that thoughtless and irresponsible with something as integral to having a totally sick time at a summertime bash as the hamburger you might as well just buy a one-way ticket on the asshole express back to Lame-town right now.
Which brings me to the point of today's post*: The seven deadly BBQ sins:
1. See above rant. The only way to eat a burger is rare, mostly because it's totally metal to be eating something that leaves a little pool of blood on your plate when you're done.
2. Putting ketchup on a hot dog. The only thing more lowbrow is adding ground beef, cheese and salsa to a bag of Fritos and calling it a "Walking Taco".
3. Not boiling your brats in beer before you grill them. Throwing those things on the coal without soaking them in booze first is a fucking amateur move and will NOT impress the ladies.
4. Bringing deviled eggs to the party, unless of course you want the evening to end with a bunch of drunk people pelting your car with deviled eggs.
5. Wearing Madras shorts. Come on guys, you know better.
6. Insisting that Jimmy Buffet's "Cheeseburger in Paradise" is "totally a jam" and should "be the theme song for the 'cue". Also, using the word " 'cue".
7. Wearing an apron that says "Heil to the Chef". Awkward! (Stole this from Sean D. Usually I don't admit to my blatant plagiarism, but he's a pretty stand-up dude so I figured I should probably give credit where credit is due.)
* I know, it's a bit of a change of pace for anything that I write to have structure, substance, or hell, even correct grammar! I just blew your minds, didn't I? Anyways kids, stay out of BBQ purgatory this year, k?
love,
me
More disturbing than the prospect of grilled meats causing my untimely death is the fact that anyone would even THINK to cook their burgers well done. If you're gonna do something that thoughtless and irresponsible with something as integral to having a totally sick time at a summertime bash as the hamburger you might as well just buy a one-way ticket on the asshole express back to Lame-town right now.
Which brings me to the point of today's post*: The seven deadly BBQ sins:
1. See above rant. The only way to eat a burger is rare, mostly because it's totally metal to be eating something that leaves a little pool of blood on your plate when you're done.
2. Putting ketchup on a hot dog. The only thing more lowbrow is adding ground beef, cheese and salsa to a bag of Fritos and calling it a "Walking Taco".
3. Not boiling your brats in beer before you grill them. Throwing those things on the coal without soaking them in booze first is a fucking amateur move and will NOT impress the ladies.
4. Bringing deviled eggs to the party, unless of course you want the evening to end with a bunch of drunk people pelting your car with deviled eggs.
5. Wearing Madras shorts. Come on guys, you know better.
6. Insisting that Jimmy Buffet's "Cheeseburger in Paradise" is "totally a jam" and should "be the theme song for the 'cue". Also, using the word " 'cue".
7. Wearing an apron that says "Heil to the Chef". Awkward! (Stole this from Sean D. Usually I don't admit to my blatant plagiarism, but he's a pretty stand-up dude so I figured I should probably give credit where credit is due.)
* I know, it's a bit of a change of pace for anything that I write to have structure, substance, or hell, even correct grammar! I just blew your minds, didn't I? Anyways kids, stay out of BBQ purgatory this year, k?
love,
me
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