ZOMFGBBQ

Hey, did you know that eating delicious, delicious BBQ will kill you?

More disturbing than the prospect of grilled meats causing my untimely death is the fact that anyone would even THINK to cook their burgers well done. If you're gonna do something that thoughtless and irresponsible with something as integral to having a totally sick time at a summertime bash as the hamburger you might as well just buy a one-way ticket on the asshole express back to Lame-town right now.

Which brings me to the point of today's post*: The seven deadly BBQ sins:

1. See above rant. The only way to eat a burger is rare, mostly because it's totally metal to be eating something that leaves a little pool of blood on your plate when you're done.

2. Putting ketchup on a hot dog. The only thing more lowbrow is adding ground beef, cheese and salsa to a bag of Fritos and calling it a "Walking Taco".

3. Not boiling your brats in beer before you grill them. Throwing those things on the coal without soaking them in booze first is a fucking amateur move and will NOT impress the ladies.

4. Bringing deviled eggs to the party, unless of course you want the evening to end with a bunch of drunk people pelting your car with deviled eggs.

5. Wearing Madras shorts. Come on guys, you know better.

6. Insisting that Jimmy Buffet's "Cheeseburger in Paradise" is "totally a jam" and should "be the theme song for the 'cue". Also, using the word " 'cue".

7. Wearing an apron that says "Heil to the Chef". Awkward! (Stole this from Sean D. Usually I don't admit to my blatant plagiarism, but he's a pretty stand-up dude so I figured I should probably give credit where credit is due.)


* I know, it's a bit of a change of pace for anything that I write to have structure, substance, or hell, even correct grammar! I just blew your minds, didn't I? Anyways kids, stay out of BBQ purgatory this year, k?

love,

me

Right Now.....

............all I want to do is drive around in a convertible and blast this song

Getting Schooled By The Falcon Inn

If you play this song really loudly on the jukebox while shaking it, you are 100% guaranteed to get hit on by lesbians the rest of the night:



Also: dressing up a pitcher of beer with a pair of sunglasses is HI-larious.

ALSO I wish I could go back in time and tell my drunk self to not smoke that last cigarette because although I now have a totally sexy raspy Duffy-esque voice thing going on, I am also feeling as if I might boot at any second. These are the perils of trying to look way cooler than you really are, folks.

Oh Hai.

Long time no see.