Nerdy By Nature, Holiday Edition!

As I was waiting in line at the Dominick's behind the sketchy dude with the still smoldering half cigarette in one hand and the quart of eggnog in the other, I thought to myself, "Well, If this guy can muster up some Christmas spirit, then certainly you can!". In past years I've been up in arms about the holidays, what with the Terminator 2-like shopping expeditions and baking so many cookies that my pores started exuding butter and red and green sugar sprinkles. Fitting those activities into my schedule this year would have meant abandoning all hope of a full night's sleep and any semblance of sanity.

I couldn't even walk the perimeter of the Macy's window this year without almost bursting into tears. The music was assaultive, the lights hurt my eyes, and the goddamn tourists kept on blocking the sidewalk in huge clumps. Note to tourists: Stop being assholes. I know you are distracted by shiny things and loud noises, but let's avoid standing for long periods of time staring off into space and taking 20 gazillion pictures of the Macy's sign. Anyways, I've felt pretty horrible about my assault on Christmas this year. Special apology to mom: I'm sorry I said that I hated Christmas music last night. Next time I will listen without complaint.

I guess now would be the appropriate time to write a moral to the story about how I should be grateful for family and friends blah blah blah the best gift is peace on earth blah blah, which I sincerely believe, I really do, but the glare from the plastic navitiy scene across the street is hurting my eyes and making it hard to concentrate.

Happy Holidays everyone!

lurve,
~S.

p.s. although I am avidly against putting dogs in costumes, I totally commend the Grinch's efforts on making a reindeer costume for his dog that pretty much set the standard for all doggie christmas costumes to follow. Mad Props, the Grinch.

Just In Case You Were Wondering.......

These are the reading materials that are available to me while I eat my lunch in the break room

1. Sting: Marathon Man

Why there is a biography of Sting sitting proudly amongst discarded take out menus and stacks of napkins is a mystery to me. How did it get there? Who put it there? Most importantly why isn't it being used as a doorjamb? Will these questions ever be answered? I do not know. But I do know this: Amazon.com gave it an average rating of 2 stars. Rock on!

2. Lamb of Love

I guess this is supposed to be some sort of attempt at making a Wuthering Heights-esque book for those who have attention spans just long enough to complete an entire chapter of "Loins of Desire" by Danielle Steele. The cover jacket is an entertaining read, at least. I'm pretty sure the frumpy and consistently bitchy postdoc from down the hall brought it in to warm her up on cold lonely nights when she's waiting for her western blots to transfer.

3. Issue of Men's Health, ca. 2001

If the appearance of the male population on this floor is any indication of whether or not any of them has been reading men's health, then i'm confident that i'm the only one who's gotten past page one of this thing.

4. Chico's catalog, Winter 2004

Highly advocates the return of stirrup pants, oversized sweaters and ugly jewelry. Culprit is obviously frumpy postdoc. A double offender. If I find a copy of Country Home Design Monthly in there next week, I may have to take the woman down.

You like party? I like party! Super!

Ok so I know you all are thinking "Gosh darndit, do I hate New Years Eve. All that pressure to go somewhere cool, and to like, take a shower before I go out and stuff. What a hassle!" Well folks, I have the solution. It's Will Long Day, and it's the day before New Years Eve. Yes, you heard me right-no need to worry about any hype or build-up, because December 30th is going to be the rocking-est party you've ever been to, and you have my word on that.

Curious?

for more information go to this site
cheers!

~S.

"Americans Kind of Stupid", States BBC News Article

Warning: This article will probably make your brain melt out of your ears

But seriously, I can't tell you how saddened I was to read this article. It's the devolution of the intellect of the American people and one of these days we're going to pay for it. If you all want cures to diabetes, cancer, MS, MD, Parkinsons and about a million other life-threatning diseases, you're going to have to start putting some faith in science. I would start ranting about the lack of funding in labs all over the U.S., and how that $27m used to make the atrocity called "The Creation Museum" could be put to real use, but that would be boring for you and time consuming for me.

So, on to the snarkiness.

I am so glad that someone has finally put to rest all the nasty rumors about "The Flinstones". If there's anything I've learned from T.V. it's that humans and dinosaurs lived together in harmony. And people used pterodactyls as airplanes and large prehistoric birds as alarm clocks and bowling was the most popular sport and everyone did a super cool dance called "The Bedrock Twitch". I'm not gonna let any smart-alecky scientist tell me otherwise, so there.

interesting fact: 40% of americans believe the earth was created in seven days. I mean, that's pretty cool. That could be our new slogan! "The United States: Tell us that dogs are actually space aliens sent here to take over the world, and 40% of the population will probably believe you."

I Knew It!

Scientists at Manchester University have finally come up with a formula to explain the Beer Goggle Effect!

The best part of the article is when the author states that a person given a beer goggle score between 1 and 50 would be considered "less visually offensive" than if you looked at them while completely sober. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't settle for "less visually offensive", even if I was drunk off my ass.

Well, it's about time. All I know is, that I wish they'd have thought this formula up while I was still at school. That way, whenever a creepy guy asked me for my number I could have just said "Sorry, my snellen visual acuity is like, totally low and stuff" and he probably would have just gotten really confused and given up.

cold

I'm already getting sick of this whole "winter" thing, and we're pretty much only one day into it. BUT if I abstain from buying my morning coffee for 1,550 days and save up the cash, I can take a trip here

Only 4.2 years of saving up. I totally have the patience for that, right?

the CTA can suck it

Seriously, dont make an announcement that there is a "mechanical problem", when in actuality "problem" means "fucking fire in the subway". If you had just been honest with me, CTA, I wouldn't have sat on that red line train for 15 minutes before giving up and leaving. Also, maybe you guys could hire some non-sadistic bus drivers that would consider waiting until people cross the street before driving off like a bat out of hell. We all need our excercise, but running for the bus isn't exactly my ideal workout.

I am wandering around the lab in just socks, which probably violates a million safety codes, but whatever, I'm the manager of this place and i'll do whatever I want. So there.

I'm actually kind of disappointed in the lack of crazy escapades my family had this Thanksgiving. No hilarious burning of the turkey, no crazy grandma forgetting where she put her teeth, not even a jello-mold incident. Dammit, why can't my family just be normal for once?

also, it's going to be 60 degrees here in Chicago for the next couple of days. I would be happy about this, but i'm too busy worrying about the southern panhandle of Florida being completely submerged in the next 2o years. I didnt ever want to go to Disneyland anyways.

All I know about life, I learned from "Quadrophenia"

Lessons from Saturday night:

(1) 40's of King Cobra go unsurprisingly well with bad cinema
(2) Parents just don't understand (nod to Jazzy Jeff and Will Smith)
(3) The best way to be "different" is to wander around in huge mobs chanting stupid songs, wearing identical ugly green parkas and taking non-descript drugs in the form of blue pills

well, if I wanted to wander around recklessly abusing unknown drugs and wearing bad clothing, I'd just be friends with Lindsay Lohan, thank you very much.

On a related note: Is there any way to yell "Hey, nice scooter!" to someone riding around on a vespa without sounding like a complete asshole? Reader input greatly appreciated.

one degree of separation from bad-assedness

The other day, my coworker asked me to order some non-radiolabled bungarotoxin (a neurotoxin derived from snake venom). Whatever, another task that basically involves me going through a huge list of supply sites off of google. Little did I know, I was about to get the SHOCK OF MY LIFE.

Yeah, you heard what I said.

Turns out, the source of our snake poison isn't some hoity-toity company like sigma or fisher. No, the source of our supply is a guy named George Van Horn. Dude straight up breeds these posionous snakes and then harvests the stuff himself. And he pretty much is the sole supplier of it. That is some crazy shit right there. I just imagine this crazy-filthy Robert-Duvall-in-Apocolypse Now-lookin dude in a trailer in St. Cloud Florida, cigarette butt in one hand, snake head in the other. Totally. Fearless.

Also, I hear he runs a kickass tourist attraction, so I guess thats pretty cool, too.

Anyways, thought you'd all like a little confirmation that science is really cool and dangerous. You know you want to jump on the back of science's huge Harley and ride into the sunset. The end.

It's always better the second time around

It doesn't get any better than being in a crowded hot bar pressed up against someone listening to Greg Dulli (post 4 or 5 very large gin and tonics*) do a cover of Justin Timberlake's "Lovestoned".

I would have liked him to have done an encore both nights, but hey, I'll take what I can get. The dude is so intoxicating that I forgive him for any primadonna antics the audience was subjected to on Wednesday.

The evening ended with sweet potato fries with cinnamon sugar at Swank Frank while we watched drunk yuppie guys yell at the waistaff and eat corndogs. We contemplated asking them the eternal question "If you had breasts, wouldn't you just basically feel yourself up all the time?", but decided we probably knew the answer already. True story.


*I'm not positive that they were G&T's, but they were clear with a lime and it just seems like the kind of classy drink that a badass motherfucker such as Dulli would drink.

Macy's: You are fugly and I hate you.

Yesterday I went into Macy's to look for a new bag, being as how my old one has a hole the size of Montana in it and has got this weird layer of sticky gritty shit and pennies glued together just lying on the bottom, causing everything from my checkbook to my chapstick to become pretty much untouchable.

anyways.

Macy's, of course, has already begun the barage of Christmas decorations. Now i'm all about spreading the holiday cheer here, but man were those decorations ugly. Like, 1980's mobster house ugly. I think those decorations would feel most at home next to a cream colored leather couch, gold leafed chair and a shiny ceramic panther statue.

To add to insult, they've totally screwed up the handbag section and gotten rid of anything remotely attractive or stylish. Why would you forsake Marc Jacobs so that you could put in a huge display case of Kipling? Not to sound like a fashion snob or anything, but ew.

......also

.......do I say "fuck" too much on this blog?

Khlav Kalash, and other things.

I decided that what Chicago needs is more outdoor food vendors. Shit, you walk around in New York and on every corner there's some dude in a cart trying to sell you some falafel. The closest thing we have to that here is the guys off the Austin Eisenhower exit selling stale peanuts, and that's just unacceptable. I need to get the Daley machine on this ASAP. The guy was able to fucking bulldoze an entire airport without anyone knowing about it, so I figure it wouldn't be too hard for him to make it a little easier for a girl to get a quick chili cheese dog in this city.

This city also needs more of me, writing shit on the bathroom walls in all the bars I go to. I need to remember to take a sharpie with me in my purse whenever I go out. I could graffitti stuff like "Stark wuz here" and etc. That would be pretty dope.

O.J. Simpson is a weirdo.

Why? Why would O.J. Simpson write a book about how he hypothetically killed his ex-wife and her fiance?

Is it just me, or is that a bit macabre? Also, maybe just a bit MUTHAFUCKIN STUPID, too.

It would be like me sending both my grandmas* a story I wrote about that one time I got really drunk at halloween off of screwdrivers and almost got arrested by the cops but instead let some random dude take me to his room and lock me in there with him. Hypothetically.


*grandma(s), I am so, so sorry

Holy Long John Silver! It's a pirate periscope!

My favorite gems from Batman: The Movie (1966):

Robin: Holy Hallucination
Batman: I wish it were Robin, but it's not, it's 5 dehydrated pirates... rehydrated!

Riddler: We shall spring them from The Joker's Jack-In-The-Box, through that window, out over the sea, and into the waiting arms of The Penguin's Exploding Octopus!

Robin: Gosh Batman, the nobility of the almost-human porpoise.
Batman: True, it was noble of that animal to hurl himself into the path of that final torpedo. He gave his life for ours.

Honorable mentions:

-The Penguin's gratuitous use of the word "De-licious!"
-The refusal of the director to take more than one take of a scene, even when the Riddler knocks into furniture and stuff
-The fact that during the movie all the other villains keep on yelling at the Riddler to stop delivering message in such a cryptic manner, even though, by default, that's what the Riddler does. Why don't you just ask Catwoman to deliver the message? Or maybe one of the many pirates that are manning your submarine. Geez.

Is it weird that watching this movie in its almost entirety made me insanely happy?

You know what the best thing about late night TV is? The Cosby Show. Oh yes, I love the Cosby Show. Apparently, I love it even more than I love sleep.

I hate you, brain.

(basically I left for work at like 6 a.m., because what the hell, I was awake anyways)

All that said, walking in the darkened silence to the el stop is kind of nice, in a oh-now-I-can-just-think-and-not-listen-to-all-the-city-noises kind of way.

Blizzard in October = Not At All Awesome

*BLOG POST IN BULLETPOINT FORM BECAUSE I AM LAZY*

-Since I was without a jacket this morning, I had to make do with two hoodies and a puffy vest, which led one of my coworkers to say that it looked like I was "getting ready for a mission on the moon or something". Pff, some people just dont appreciate fashion.

-I really need to stop indulging the stalker in me, because she's beginning to rage out of control and if I'm not careful I might just find myself in a Denny's parking lot off of I-94 with a pair of night-vision goggles. Maybe I should channel my curiosity into something more useful, like finding a cure for cancer.

-there is totally a store opening up four blocks away from me called The Pierogi Factory. This is pretty much the most exciting thing ever. Plus, they're hiring, so if it's been a dream of yours to sling pierogis since childhood, then today is your lucky day.

People who went to high school with me need to stop getting married because that's just f*cking weird.

Really guys, stop it. I never even liked any of you people but through the miracle of Facebook news feed I get to look at your annoying bachelorette party pictures. Cut.It.Out.

On a completely unrelated note, this weekend I almost paid $10 for the priveledge of being a patron of the Hobart, IN Deja Vu nightclub, but instead opted to crash a church picnic with a gatorade bottle full of whiskey. I guess wandering around a corn maze for two hours can make you do some crazy things.

A University of Chicago guide to fashion

Its fall, the time of year when all the students return to the University and annoy me by taking all the copies of the Chicago Reader from the Reynolds club leaving me nothing but the crappy "Maroon" as reading material. Now I know this is the U of C and all and you pride yourself on your quirkiness and etc, but seriously i've seen some apparel choices that would make even Britney Spears recoil in terror, and we all know what a snappy dresser she is. These are examples of some of the worst offenders so far:

1) Jeans AND leg warmers AND a skirt. Ladies, lets not overdo the whole "layering" trend. There's only so much shit you can put on your lower half before you start loping around like you've got a horrible case of the gout or something.
2) A cardigan sweater, worn backwards. I dont even know what to say to this, except that you probably have to be pretty flexible to be able to button a sweater from the back.
3) ugly ass grandma dresses. People, just because we are shopping at the Salvation Army doesnt mean we cant be a little selective, ok?
4) Jeans + jean jacket. Now to be fair i'm pretty sure this dude was a professor and by default they are supposed to be embarrasingly bad dressers but still this is no excuse, especially because of the out of control stonewashing that was going on.

on a totally unrelated note: If you are in the Chicago area you should all go to Gunther Murphy's tonight to see the Goddamn Shame. 9 p.m., $7 dollars. Do it.

...And Oklahoma continues its pursuit of academic excellence.....

Oklahoma, champion of letting creationist bullshit worm its way into high school science curriculums, has outdone itself again: In order to increase literacy rates, it has introduced a new campaign called "Read, Y'all!"


Thank you, Oklahoma, for making Americans look like a bunch of idiots. You'd think that the slogan for a literacy campaign would use real words, you know, like "words" that one could find in a "dictionary". But hey, that's just me.

I applaud Anousheh Ansari and her efforts to serve as a positive female role model, not just for Iranian women, but for all of us. She's an electrical engineer and a succesful business woman, which is pretty badass in itself. Let me tell you, I was terrified of the EECS majors at Michigan because I was pretty sure they were using their above-level intelligence to read my thoughts. Add to that the fact that she is the first Muslim female to go into space, and you've got a pretty impressive CV.

all that said, could she have made her blog a little less, well, silly sounding? Was it absolutely necessary to talk about how being in zero gravity conditions caused her to lose her lip gloss?

ok, I promise I will stop being all "grrrrrl power", at least for now.

Im pretty confident this is what women did during the 19th century to stave off ennui

I just saw this on the website for Readymade Magazine, a publication geared toward the modern day indie craftster. Be forewarned, it's pretty gross.

I mean, what the hell? Whatever happened to just slapping some peanut butter and birdseed on a pinecone or gluing some popsicle sticks together and calling it all good? Taxidermy = boho chic? SOON YOU WILL WALK INTO URBAN OUTFITTERS AND SITTING RIGHT THERE IN BETWEEN THE DISTRESSED RAMONES TSHIRTS AND THE COFFEE TABLE BOOK ABOUT HARAJUKU GIRLS THERE WILL BE A HOME TAXIDERMY KIT?? I'm sorry, that's just weird.

On a different note, I am ashamed at my recent inability to complete a midweek crossword puzzle. This needs to remedied as soon as possible.

An Open Letter to Wine.....

Dear Wine,

I tried so hard to like you, I really did. Your attempt to make me appear classier and more worldly did not go unappreciated. But seriously, you give me a headache and make my food taste all boozy. Maybe one of these days i'll give you another chance to prove yourself, but until then, i'll just stick to diet coke.

warm regards,

Extra, Extra: USA Today Sucks.

Dear USA Today,

thank you for pointing out the obvious.

this is why your newspaper's circulation is relegated to Holiday Inn lobbies and the 7-eleven where I buy my coffee every morning.

tomorrow's headline: Gravity: It's Not Just a Good Idea, It's the Law.

Hey! You, with the hair!

Who wants to apply to graduate school with me? C'mon, it'll be fun, I promise!!


sidenote: One has not experienced *real* romance until one has been serenaded with Patrick Swayze's "She's Like the Wind".

I was totally in Beta Theta Pi 5 years ago

Saturday afternoons in my neighborhood: Its like the big ten threw up all over the place or something.

at least I found some drunk dude who was willing to tell me whether Michigan beat Wisconsin or not (despite my overall annoyance with the big ten frat/sorority scene that is Lincoln Park, I still hold a soft spot in my heart for Wolverine football)

Right now I'm at Cait's apartment doing that thing that girls do when gearing up for a night out, which involves trying on many outfits etc etc. I am wearing eyeliner, which, if you know me, is a pretty rare occurence.

also, the tornado sirens went off in the city last night for the first time in like 30 years!! craziness!

Monster Mash!!!

Remember that song? It was like, the only record my elementary school gym teacher owned. That, and the superbowl shuffle. So basically regardless of what season it was, we would run laps while listening to monster mash on continuous loop. It was pretty awesome.

But I digress.

Its that time of year again when we start thinking about halloween costumes and seriously, I cant think of anything good. All I have so far is this, which is totally sexy but maybe a bit uncreative. I mean, I dont want to show up to a halloween party and have five other girls there in shark-head costumes. That would be totally humiliating.

I really need to win a car off of wheel of fortune or something.

Best part of commute home last night: Guy sitting next to me on the el playing air guitar while listening to zep on his iPod. I salute you, guy.

Worst part of commute home last night: Its a tie between being stranded on LSD on the #6 bus for 20 minutes and having to listen to the frat boy two roys behind me call each of his frattyboy friends and proclaim to them loudly "dude, im on my way to wing night right now". Dude, indeed.

side note: does anyone know a good website where I can buy a custom script gold necklace and/or a totally blinged out belt buckle?

In which I realize I'm beginning to sound like my mom

Every e-mail I send to my coworkers pretty much involves me yelling at them for not picking up after themselves. I feel like I should add to the end of each one "you can fold your own gosh-darn laundry" and/or "just wait until your father gets home, then you'll be sorry!".

also, I would much rather be waiting in line for free Lupe Fiasco tickets at Tower Records than be at work today. Stupid adult responsibility. You just have to fuck up everything, don't you?

a rash of posts, because the novelty of having my own blog hasnt worn off yet

my weekend consisted of many hilarious occurences, including:

- stealing a hurricane glass from the innertown pub
- eating a piece of cake stolen from a closed kitchen at 2 a.m. that had been concealed in or around pants
- being chased around with a plastic fork attached to a power drill

next weekend I'll go to a museum or something, I swear.

science moment at the X55 bus stop

So recently i've been taking the green line to work, and though I love having to dash across the freeway of death in order to get to the 55 bus stop off of the redline, the greenline bus stop definitely trumps the redline with its cast of characters that hang out in front of the liquor store/Harold's/abandoned H&R block storefront. Today, as I was waiting in my oh-god-I-really-need-coffee stupor, a little old lady asked me to help her out with bus fare. I gave her what i could dig up from the bottom of my bottomless pit of a purse. She sat down on the bench next to me and pointed to a pillbug on the ground. "What is that? I have never seen anything like that before". I kneeled down and nudged the thing with my finger and we watched it roll up into a ball. I said "It's a pill bug. You see, it rolls into a ball when it's disturbed. It has a hard exoskeleton that protects the soft squishy stuff underneath". She looked at the bug, then back at me, and gave me this look as to say "well that was a pointless bit of information I could have done without hearing, and will probably never use again". Now I know exactly how my calc II professor felt at the end of every lecture.

top five reasons to start a blog

in no particular order

1) your boss has decided that the best way to motivate you is to underutilize you and criticize your coffee-bean grinding methods, thus leaving you with a void of free time and plenty of resentment
2) laziness in contacting people and a general inability to talk to someone on the phone for longer than ten minutes without getting distracted
3) the blog serves as a creative outlet, lessening the compulsion to write stuff on bathroom walls, give oneself fake tattoos with a sharpie, etc.
4) plus, it gives you the license to be snarky about pretty much everything
5) all the cool kids are doing it