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Great Depression 2: Electric Boogaloo

Fear not, America! Although the recent financial crises we have been facing may have whittled your 401k down to a few nickels, a decoder ring and some lint and have forced some of us to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for every meal of the day (not naming any names, but I am basically keeping the Skippy guys outfitted in moderately-priced poly blend suits and platinum-esque cufflinks), there are a few totally awesome 1930's depression-era trends that I am pretty stoked about revisiting:

1. Uplifting Musical Comedies



Let's face it, modern day musicals suck. Rent? That shit was terrible. No one wants to hear songs about AIDS and on-the-fence lesbianism. Musicals from the Great Depression gave us subject matter that we can ALL relate to: desperately scavaging for spare change in the street.

2. Hobo Soup

I'm not really sure what constitutes as a "Jungle Recipe", but if this is what hobos eat, then I'm pretty damn excited about becoming a hobo. Plus, for those of you unsure of how to build and/or start a tire fire, smoke flavor is already added!

3. Hilarious Barrel-related outfits

Nothing guilts people into giving you money more than wearing a giant foam novelty costume. Trust me, I've been there.

Once Again, Russia Proves Its Kind-Of-Vague Insult Clout A Million Times Over

The next time someone pisses me off, I am totally calling them a worthless bag of hair.

"This Hoop Skirt Makes My Balls Sweaty!"

Yes, oh god yes:

Further Confirmation that Mid-Range Hooker is the Way To Go

No, seriously, check it out. And it's tax-free, bitches! Plus, I'm already pretty low brow so I don't really need to worry about tarnishing my reputation.



p.s. I love how they are referred to as "Hipster Hookers". What does that even mean? Do they like, quote Hold Steady lyrics while they are doing it or something?

Aaaaaaaand I'm Still Unemployed.

Dan: good luck

yeah, it sounds like it's awful rough out there

me: yeah its not so great

oh well

i can't do much about it except build my hopes up terribly high so i can have them dashed!

Dan: awww

me: i guess i am just going to have to become really really good at making lattes

or bagging groceries

or panhandling

those seem to be my options right now

Dan: turning triiiiicks

me: dude i totally did not even think about that

and i could at least be like, a mid range hooker

you know, the ones not on meth........YET

Dan: exactly!

Why Isn't There An Olive Garden in the Chicago City Limits?

No, seriously dudes this is important. I'm going to contact OG customer service immediately. Why should suburbanites be the only ones to enjoy unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks? I'm calling bullshit on you, Olive Garden. I'm going to bring the pain, semi-belligerent email style.

ZOMFGBBQ

Hey, did you know that eating delicious, delicious BBQ will kill you?

More disturbing than the prospect of grilled meats causing my untimely death is the fact that anyone would even THINK to cook their burgers well done. If you're gonna do something that thoughtless and irresponsible with something as integral to having a totally sick time at a summertime bash as the hamburger you might as well just buy a one-way ticket on the asshole express back to Lame-town right now.

Which brings me to the point of today's post*: The seven deadly BBQ sins:

1. See above rant. The only way to eat a burger is rare, mostly because it's totally metal to be eating something that leaves a little pool of blood on your plate when you're done.

2. Putting ketchup on a hot dog. The only thing more lowbrow is adding ground beef, cheese and salsa to a bag of Fritos and calling it a "Walking Taco".

3. Not boiling your brats in beer before you grill them. Throwing those things on the coal without soaking them in booze first is a fucking amateur move and will NOT impress the ladies.

4. Bringing deviled eggs to the party, unless of course you want the evening to end with a bunch of drunk people pelting your car with deviled eggs.

5. Wearing Madras shorts. Come on guys, you know better.

6. Insisting that Jimmy Buffet's "Cheeseburger in Paradise" is "totally a jam" and should "be the theme song for the 'cue". Also, using the word " 'cue".

7. Wearing an apron that says "Heil to the Chef". Awkward! (Stole this from Sean D. Usually I don't admit to my blatant plagiarism, but he's a pretty stand-up dude so I figured I should probably give credit where credit is due.)


* I know, it's a bit of a change of pace for anything that I write to have structure, substance, or hell, even correct grammar! I just blew your minds, didn't I? Anyways kids, stay out of BBQ purgatory this year, k?

love,

me

Right Now.....

............all I want to do is drive around in a convertible and blast this song

Getting Schooled By The Falcon Inn

If you play this song really loudly on the jukebox while shaking it, you are 100% guaranteed to get hit on by lesbians the rest of the night:



Also: dressing up a pitcher of beer with a pair of sunglasses is HI-larious.

ALSO I wish I could go back in time and tell my drunk self to not smoke that last cigarette because although I now have a totally sexy raspy Duffy-esque voice thing going on, I am also feeling as if I might boot at any second. These are the perils of trying to look way cooler than you really are, folks.

Oh Hai.

Long time no see.

HAHAHA Remember That One Time I Updated My Blog?

Yeah, me neither. But really folks I have some pretty exciting stuff coming at you fast and furious in the next couple of days so get ready to get crunk (metaphorically) on my mad blog pimp juice (also metaphorical).

My goal is to become one of those "blogs of note" that you always see on the side of the Blogger dashboard, and honestly I don't think it's going to be that hard. Have you seen some of the competition? A blog about gardening? Poem of the week? Laaaaaaaaaaame. Seriously, this shit is going to be easier than getting Dov Charney to show you his wiener.

A few ideas for entries that might catch Blogger's attention:

1. Smell-o-Blog. We're spinning our wheels in logistics at the moment but we're shooting for July 2010.

2. Video footage of baby animals. Who doesn't like baby animals? Skinheads and people with bad allergies, that's who.

3. Article about my various experiences with hallucinogenics. Hey, it worked for Vice Magazine, it can work for me.

4. Pictures of celebrities where I photoshop pictures of penises next to their mouths! Wait, what? Someone has already thought of that? Huh, weird.

In conclusion, please read my blog, because my Google analytics stats are really depressing.

luvs!

me.

Hot Jammzz

A couple of tracks I've been playing on repeat:



Lil' Mama is kind of awesome. She's a judge on "America's Next Best Dance Crew" and is always wearing a saucy baseball cap with something hood spray painted on it and stealing the microphone from JC Chasez and saying stuff like "that was pretty tight, but you really need to bring it to the streets" and "I'm from Brooklyn and that shit is weak" and etc. The moves in this vid are sick and it's basically a given that I would love a T-Pain collabo, so no surprise that i'm all up on this shit.

and also, because i'm a sucker for hand claps:

Yeah Yeah, So I'm Four Days Late

So now that I've shown my undying appreciation for you, the readers, for fucks sake leave some comments or something. Jesus.

Duffy: Like Amy Winehouse, Minus the Crack and the Crazy

Hey, I'm not suggesting that we should like, throw Amy out like those eight month old tortillas you got waaaay in the back of your fridge or anything, but Duffy has got some pipes and is far less heroin-y. Enjoy!

Fucking Winter

Oh and hey did you know that it's -4 degrees F in Chicago right now and that's not even including the windchill?

all I know is that in 33 days I will be here and will not have to worry about slush or windburn or the fact THAT NOBODY KNOWS HOW TO FUCKING WINTERPROOF THEIR SHIT (I'm looking right at you, University of Chicago).  All I will have to worry about is how much to tip the  ab-alicious waiter Juan when he brings me my billionth Calimocho*. If you're good, maybe i'll bring you back a sombrero, bitches.

that is all

lv,

me.

*Calimocho=delicious drink made from 1/2 coca cola and 1/2 red wine. Sounds gross but pretty addictive once you start drinking it.

I Know Who Killed Me: An Annotated Review

**SPOILER ALERT******SPOILER ALERT*******SPOILER ALERT****SPOILER ALERT**

1. Lindsay, I love all the sexy stripper underthings Dakota wears in the movie. Agent Provacateur? I thought so. That shit is hot as hell and I'm buying my own matching collection immediately*

2. I like how Lindsay decided to take another identical-twin-separated-at-birth role, though I did halfway expect her to bust out with a shitty acoustic guitar singing "Let's Get Together" in a british accent througout the entire thing.

3. Dude, Darnell from "My Name Is Earl" plays a prosthetic expert!

4. Too much blood, I couldn't really finish my ice cream due to the gross out factor. I say, less blood, more LaLohan's GIANT titties**. Sex sells, boys. Sex sells.

*Fuck, I wish I had the kind of cash to drop two hundy on a bra and panty set.

**I hope my subtle sarcasm was not lost on you guys. In actuality, they show LL's breasts like every 30 seconds.

Worst. Snack. Ever.

I'm pretty sure that raw marshmallows are only appropriate to eat if you are a stoner. Also, if you're gonna go down that road to being the kind of awful human being that eats marshmallows by themselves, you might as well just eat an entire bag. The cute "snack pack" packaging and bright colors aren't going to fool anyone, buddy.