Stop With The Bad Blogging Already, People!

Since when has the blog turned into a frenzy of cryptic, whiny blurbs about stuff no one in their right minds would ever care to read about ? Post an interesting news article, a funny youtube clip, something crazy that happened to you on your commute home. Show me something that i've never seen before or something that makes me so angry I can barely even think. Above all, make it accesible. No one wants to read some pseudo-James Joyce dribble about your failed relationships or about winter in the city or other tired crap like that. Why make a half assed attempt at being deep when you can just be entertaining? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that the point of the internet anyways?*

On that note, check out this noise.

I cant even begin to imagine what sort of "keepsake items to heat up your homespun romance" White Castle would include in the Cupid's Crave Kits. Handcuffs? Scented massage oil? Extra ketchup packets? It's a crapshoot, really, but either way it's probably gonna keep your neighbors up allllll night. Ooohhh yeah.

*This is based on my own (perhaps narcissistic) opinion that my blog is super funny and makes you laugh so hard milk comes out of your nose if you happen to be drinking milk at the same time you are reading it.

I love Johnny Depp with all my heart. Let's face it, the man can make panties drop before you even realize your jeans have been unzipped. Plus, he can make a grilled cheese sandwich with an iron. Just watch "Benny and Joon" if you don't believe me.

So of course I was saddened to see "Pirates of the Carribean" valentines on the shelf at Walgreen's last night. Seriously, Johnny, I didn't think it was possible for you to whore yourself out more than when you let them put your face on the front of a cereal box. I bet you sleep as sound as a baby on your bed MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF GIANT BAGS OF MONEY. Enjoy it while it lasts, because I dont think eyeliner and a puffy pirate shirt will look hot on 65 year old wrinkly dude. Or will it? Hmmm....

p.s. I totally bought the things because nothing is more hilarious than a picture of Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom side by side with the tagline "You're a great first mate!" Hah. I bet they'd have real purty babies.

Fun Experiment?

For the past few days i've been totally intrigued with the idea of dying my hair black. Two things, however, have come to my attention:

1. My eyebrows will be a much lighter color than my hair. This will look pretty weird and will probably scare small children and dogs if they get too close. The only way to remedy this would be to bring it old school, shave off my eyebrows and draw them in with a pencil a la a 1940's Hollywood starlet.
Advantage: Vintage glamour
Disadvantage: Freak razor accidents, constant look of surprise on my face
2. The past four months in Chicago have been sun-less, leaving me whiter than Barry Manilow in a sparkly american-flag colored jumpsuit. Seriously, it's gross. I was told that once my hair was black, "We'd have to buy you a little plaid miniskirt and some Doc Martens". I don't think he was kidding, either.
Advantage: I'd get to hang out at the mall in front of Hot Topic all day
Disadvantage: Goth is so 1996, all extra cash goes towards eyeliner-related purchases

Upper Right: Gawd, I hate my step-mom. She is such a bitch.

Sucker-footed Bats. Man, that shit is CRAZY.

Move over, you wiggly golden retriever puppies, because there's a new cutie in town. That's right, I'm talkin' about Myzopoda schliemanni. Not only is this little guy frickin adorable, but he also has little suction cups on his thumbs and feet. SUCTION CUPS, PEOPLE. This bat is so tough that it's adapted to the harsh living conditions of Madagascar's razed forests by using the stickies to scale the large leaved foliage prevalent in deforested areas. What have puppies adapted to lately? Getting doggie haircuts and eating grass clippings? Bitch, please.

So in conclusion, in a fight between a bat and a puppy, the bat would kick some major ass. It would basically be like a ninja fighting Jared the Subway guy. No contest.

Upper Right: Don't you just want to take it home and put it in a Louis Vuitton carrying case?

Out With the Old, in With the New.

Will Long Day and New Years came and went like a fleeting summer downpour. A downpour of booze and hand-screened thong underwear.

And let's not forget the most important part: The DJ at the New Years party I went to played the instant classic "Dick in a Box". Twice. In a row.

Basically we have a long painful dry spell ahead of us in which there are no good holidays to celebrate until July 4th rolls around. And don't give me that Valentine's Day bullshit because that is not a real holiday and I plan on celebrating this year exactly like I did last year's: Writing offensive messages on candy hearts and giving them to strangers, and getting drunk off of Campari and sodas. Take THAT Hallmark, you whiny little bitches.

Upper left corner: It really IS a universal gift for every holiday.