Macy's: You are fugly and I hate you.

Yesterday I went into Macy's to look for a new bag, being as how my old one has a hole the size of Montana in it and has got this weird layer of sticky gritty shit and pennies glued together just lying on the bottom, causing everything from my checkbook to my chapstick to become pretty much untouchable.

anyways.

Macy's, of course, has already begun the barage of Christmas decorations. Now i'm all about spreading the holiday cheer here, but man were those decorations ugly. Like, 1980's mobster house ugly. I think those decorations would feel most at home next to a cream colored leather couch, gold leafed chair and a shiny ceramic panther statue.

To add to insult, they've totally screwed up the handbag section and gotten rid of anything remotely attractive or stylish. Why would you forsake Marc Jacobs so that you could put in a huge display case of Kipling? Not to sound like a fashion snob or anything, but ew.

......also

.......do I say "fuck" too much on this blog?

Khlav Kalash, and other things.

I decided that what Chicago needs is more outdoor food vendors. Shit, you walk around in New York and on every corner there's some dude in a cart trying to sell you some falafel. The closest thing we have to that here is the guys off the Austin Eisenhower exit selling stale peanuts, and that's just unacceptable. I need to get the Daley machine on this ASAP. The guy was able to fucking bulldoze an entire airport without anyone knowing about it, so I figure it wouldn't be too hard for him to make it a little easier for a girl to get a quick chili cheese dog in this city.

This city also needs more of me, writing shit on the bathroom walls in all the bars I go to. I need to remember to take a sharpie with me in my purse whenever I go out. I could graffitti stuff like "Stark wuz here" and etc. That would be pretty dope.

O.J. Simpson is a weirdo.

Why? Why would O.J. Simpson write a book about how he hypothetically killed his ex-wife and her fiance?

Is it just me, or is that a bit macabre? Also, maybe just a bit MUTHAFUCKIN STUPID, too.

It would be like me sending both my grandmas* a story I wrote about that one time I got really drunk at halloween off of screwdrivers and almost got arrested by the cops but instead let some random dude take me to his room and lock me in there with him. Hypothetically.


*grandma(s), I am so, so sorry

Holy Long John Silver! It's a pirate periscope!

My favorite gems from Batman: The Movie (1966):

Robin: Holy Hallucination
Batman: I wish it were Robin, but it's not, it's 5 dehydrated pirates... rehydrated!

Riddler: We shall spring them from The Joker's Jack-In-The-Box, through that window, out over the sea, and into the waiting arms of The Penguin's Exploding Octopus!

Robin: Gosh Batman, the nobility of the almost-human porpoise.
Batman: True, it was noble of that animal to hurl himself into the path of that final torpedo. He gave his life for ours.

Honorable mentions:

-The Penguin's gratuitous use of the word "De-licious!"
-The refusal of the director to take more than one take of a scene, even when the Riddler knocks into furniture and stuff
-The fact that during the movie all the other villains keep on yelling at the Riddler to stop delivering message in such a cryptic manner, even though, by default, that's what the Riddler does. Why don't you just ask Catwoman to deliver the message? Or maybe one of the many pirates that are manning your submarine. Geez.

Is it weird that watching this movie in its almost entirety made me insanely happy?

You know what the best thing about late night TV is? The Cosby Show. Oh yes, I love the Cosby Show. Apparently, I love it even more than I love sleep.

I hate you, brain.

(basically I left for work at like 6 a.m., because what the hell, I was awake anyways)

All that said, walking in the darkened silence to the el stop is kind of nice, in a oh-now-I-can-just-think-and-not-listen-to-all-the-city-noises kind of way.

Blizzard in October = Not At All Awesome

*BLOG POST IN BULLETPOINT FORM BECAUSE I AM LAZY*

-Since I was without a jacket this morning, I had to make do with two hoodies and a puffy vest, which led one of my coworkers to say that it looked like I was "getting ready for a mission on the moon or something". Pff, some people just dont appreciate fashion.

-I really need to stop indulging the stalker in me, because she's beginning to rage out of control and if I'm not careful I might just find myself in a Denny's parking lot off of I-94 with a pair of night-vision goggles. Maybe I should channel my curiosity into something more useful, like finding a cure for cancer.

-there is totally a store opening up four blocks away from me called The Pierogi Factory. This is pretty much the most exciting thing ever. Plus, they're hiring, so if it's been a dream of yours to sling pierogis since childhood, then today is your lucky day.

People who went to high school with me need to stop getting married because that's just f*cking weird.

Really guys, stop it. I never even liked any of you people but through the miracle of Facebook news feed I get to look at your annoying bachelorette party pictures. Cut.It.Out.

On a completely unrelated note, this weekend I almost paid $10 for the priveledge of being a patron of the Hobart, IN Deja Vu nightclub, but instead opted to crash a church picnic with a gatorade bottle full of whiskey. I guess wandering around a corn maze for two hours can make you do some crazy things.

A University of Chicago guide to fashion

Its fall, the time of year when all the students return to the University and annoy me by taking all the copies of the Chicago Reader from the Reynolds club leaving me nothing but the crappy "Maroon" as reading material. Now I know this is the U of C and all and you pride yourself on your quirkiness and etc, but seriously i've seen some apparel choices that would make even Britney Spears recoil in terror, and we all know what a snappy dresser she is. These are examples of some of the worst offenders so far:

1) Jeans AND leg warmers AND a skirt. Ladies, lets not overdo the whole "layering" trend. There's only so much shit you can put on your lower half before you start loping around like you've got a horrible case of the gout or something.
2) A cardigan sweater, worn backwards. I dont even know what to say to this, except that you probably have to be pretty flexible to be able to button a sweater from the back.
3) ugly ass grandma dresses. People, just because we are shopping at the Salvation Army doesnt mean we cant be a little selective, ok?
4) Jeans + jean jacket. Now to be fair i'm pretty sure this dude was a professor and by default they are supposed to be embarrasingly bad dressers but still this is no excuse, especially because of the out of control stonewashing that was going on.

on a totally unrelated note: If you are in the Chicago area you should all go to Gunther Murphy's tonight to see the Goddamn Shame. 9 p.m., $7 dollars. Do it.

...And Oklahoma continues its pursuit of academic excellence.....

Oklahoma, champion of letting creationist bullshit worm its way into high school science curriculums, has outdone itself again: In order to increase literacy rates, it has introduced a new campaign called "Read, Y'all!"


Thank you, Oklahoma, for making Americans look like a bunch of idiots. You'd think that the slogan for a literacy campaign would use real words, you know, like "words" that one could find in a "dictionary". But hey, that's just me.

I applaud Anousheh Ansari and her efforts to serve as a positive female role model, not just for Iranian women, but for all of us. She's an electrical engineer and a succesful business woman, which is pretty badass in itself. Let me tell you, I was terrified of the EECS majors at Michigan because I was pretty sure they were using their above-level intelligence to read my thoughts. Add to that the fact that she is the first Muslim female to go into space, and you've got a pretty impressive CV.

all that said, could she have made her blog a little less, well, silly sounding? Was it absolutely necessary to talk about how being in zero gravity conditions caused her to lose her lip gloss?

ok, I promise I will stop being all "grrrrrl power", at least for now.