I love Johnny Depp with all my heart. Let's face it, the man can make panties drop before you even realize your jeans have been unzipped. Plus, he can make a grilled cheese sandwich with an iron. Just watch "Benny and Joon" if you don't believe me.

So of course I was saddened to see "Pirates of the Carribean" valentines on the shelf at Walgreen's last night. Seriously, Johnny, I didn't think it was possible for you to whore yourself out more than when you let them put your face on the front of a cereal box. I bet you sleep as sound as a baby on your bed MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF GIANT BAGS OF MONEY. Enjoy it while it lasts, because I dont think eyeliner and a puffy pirate shirt will look hot on 65 year old wrinkly dude. Or will it? Hmmm....

p.s. I totally bought the things because nothing is more hilarious than a picture of Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom side by side with the tagline "You're a great first mate!" Hah. I bet they'd have real purty babies.